so lately i've been dealing a lot with my littles. luv and rosie mainly. there may be another 5 y/o but i'm not sure. they are so so so confused. nothing is making sense and it's bleeding into my own world as well. anyway, i needed to type a little about how luv is feeling but that includes some history about what happened. dear, precious survivor friends, this is where you check out and stop reading - TW!!!
she was 5. the "molestation" had been going on for 3 years already. idk that even that word is acceptable because some people tell me it counts as rape if penetration happens - even with fingers and/or objects. in her case, both. since day one. the worst was the soap because it burned and left "bubbles" up inside. she tried to explain this very uncomfortable feeling to her mother but nothing came of it. which only led to more confusion. how can this be happening? is this ok? it sure feels wrong and dirty... but it's my daddy and daddies are supposed to be good and right. daddy is ALWAYS right, even when she is wrong, because the pain. god, he could make it hurt bad. in so many ways. slamming her head to the floor and pushing it into the ground hard hard hard. she was sure one day her head would pop like a grape. or using her stupid button. it proved she was stupid. but the people at school said she was smart...ugh. nothing ever made sense anymore. since this whole thing started, nothing made sense. frustration and anger were high, but not allowed. it just made her feel more how she was bad and not enough. life was hard.
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