it's summer. the kids are out of school. i have time with them, which is wonderful, i love my children, but for the next two months, i have no alone time either. no venting. no crying it out. no thinking my way back to sanity. no ability to deal with the flashbacks and stuff. that's scary and very hard. like my world is spinning all the time.
still being terribly triggered, having regular flashbacks, and dreaming just about every night. that alone is exhausting. i find myself spending more and more time just hiding in my bed, unable to deal with the world. but...
am glad to have finally found a counselor tho that listens and cares and actually helps. she's teaching me coping skills to deal with this stuff. helping me cope. and, for the first time in my life, even tho i'm still struggling, i can honestly say that i have enough hope to not think suicidally. that's a HUGE step for me. and i am more and more able to talk because she "gets me".
she told me she thinks i probably have DID. this worries me. not that i think she's wrong, she's probably right, i just am afraid of the label causing a problem with my work with children. i have taken time off from everything to do with them while i'm unstable, but eventually i want to be able to get better enough to go back. my heart breaks for them - the kids who are hurting and/or being hurt. and i'm compelled to do SOMETHING. and i dont want my background to stop me from that. i truly have a big place in my heart for those kids and i dont see how i should be disqualified from helping them because i belong to that same category they come from. difference will be i will have healed and have the strength to reach out and share what i've learned. because i "get it" for them too. idk. just am afraid of the label.
anyway, i guess this post is getting too scatterbrained. signing off for now.
next post: what happened that caused me to step out of working with kids
2 comments:
(((((((((Angie)))))))) Great to see you writing! For this summer, remember that your kids need their mom to be healthy. It's ok for you to still take your alone time. Teach your kids to have some quiet time during the day when they can occupy themselves. You're a great mom, just be sure you're taking care of you too.
As for the DID thing...I totally get that and the fear of not being able to work with kids. That's actually one of the main reasons I haven't sought further treatment.
Proud of you!
Learning to fly had a good suggestion, just like nap time used to be, have a 2 hr rest and read time every day... time to go to respective rooms and entertain yourself or read a book..
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