why

ok - i know i should be over this by now. but a friend posed some very good questions and i wanted to mull over the topic again.

what i know: he was sick - two t's have called him a sociopath, comparing him to ted bundy and others. i know he grew up in a strict, disciplinary environment and that he went crazy when he got to college - that rebellion and alcoholism was his thing when i was born. i know he wanted a boy and so never bonded with me - instead irritated that i was in his way. i know that the rebellion and alcoholism were also paired with a huge power fixation and all increased as i hit puberty. but none of those things except the sociopath thing can explain how the man could have drugged, raped, and tortured (literally) his own flesh and blood for a decade or so...

what i think: he truly was psychotic and sociopathic. that it began as following his own father's actions (or maybe being forced to?) as he grew up under his father's leadership in the masonic group in his area that just so happened (proved by their website) to be fixated on torture methods and outcomes. but then, how did he have two sisters that seemed to come out fine? idk...

there truly has to be something incredibly wrong with someone who will build and design tools of torture and offer his own daughter up to not only his own experimentation but to a group's evil ideals and terrible plans... regularly.

i think he had to be different from the average abuser because it was so involved and planned and so ritualistic. not that i want to excuse others who abuse but this was way over the top.

he still had opportunity to get help. he could have made it right. but he threw that away. all the way to his self imposed death and the letter that came with it, he intentionally spit on my existence and chose never to love or show kindness. who knows how many other girls suffered at the hands of him and his group.

all i ever wanted was his love. his care. gosh, i even would have endured it all just for a smile and a hug...

a friend of mine endured similar except that she found the strength to escape. unfortunately, all the pain made enough impact that she got into some bad stuff and behaviours in getting free. i still admire her for taking the chance to get out. it's a terrifying existence and something no human being should ever have to live thru. but no matter what she had to endure to get free, she DID find a way to begin her healing. and so did i.

i dont know that i will ever understand the why's completely. or that i'll ever truly be able to let go of them. but we (my friend and i - and many others) are on our way to healing and fighting to gain ground, even a centemeter at a time. i have to believe those efforts count for something... dont y'all?