ok so i quit everything but the church nursery, serving once a month. till suzie (*name change) came it has been fine. working with a partner and only for 90 minutes a month it's been doable and even enjoyable.
but when suzie's family joined the church it got extremely difficult to serve. she looks just like little me. has the same demeanor. the same type of mannerisms. and she's the same age i was when the abuse began.
that's enough to be triggering already. it was difficult to be in the same room with her. she's so little. so vulnerable. so much a reminder just how helpless i was. flashbacks galore with little suzie in my care.
well this past wednesday did it for me. her parents changed how they were potty training her (yes she wears little pink panties like i did - no more pullups - she's not exactly modest and they put her in short little skirts). anyway, they insisted we make her go. MAKE her go no matter how she protests, they said.
so the time came to make her go. of course she didnt want to. but instead of refusing and just being stubborn like a normal kid, she had to do what i would have done... she ran and hid under a piece of furniture and hollered and screamed, "no, no, no! i'll go when i get home! i'll go when i get home!"
her mommy had been so clear - MAKE her go - so i had to move the furniture and pull her out kicking and screaming and get her to the bathroom. she DID go, and my other survivor friends say i did nothing wrong, but i feel like i became my father in that moment.
little me is so betrayed and very much upset - sooooooooo shaken up. inside me she is screaming and hollering and crying and pitching a fit, just like little suzie. and in my heart, i betrayed her.
i told the nursery director i'm not doing that again and i need out of the nursery. she understood and said she'd speak to the mommy about not expecting that out of our workers. but i just can't go back there with little suzie again.
that's why i cant work with kids at all till i can get stable. the voices in my head are VERY upset and my world is spinning like crazy. if i'm not DID, i'm going insane... i dont deserve to be anywhere near kids while i go thru this.
:( :( :(
3 comments:
Wow! I can't imagine how triggering that was for you.
I don't think her mother should have put you in that position. Maybe it would have been better to tell her mother that if she refused than you would have her paged out of service to attend to little Suzie.
I'm sorry for this experience.
love u. praying for ya.
I can see where both you and little you are coming from on this one. I think you handled it as well as anyone could've. I will say that is totally insane for a mother to ask a daycare person to do! Big hugs to you and your little.
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