Okay - so I prayed hard over all the advice I was given regarding forgiveness... my decision at the end is to continue to take all of my issues and lay them down at God's feet as many times as it takes. Regarding the whole idea of asking God to have mercy on my father... well, I decided to lay that down at His feet too. Being completely honest with God, I wept and cried and told Him that this is something that I know I fall short in and that I totally do NOT want to be displeasing to Him. I asked Him, since I am not sure that He requires that of me to please have His will be done. I figure: 1 - if He does require that, He'll work on my heart and get me there. 2 - same thought, if this IS a requirement, then being willing to leave it in His hands is a good first step. 3 - if it's NOT a requirement, it's certainly NEVER bad to put things in His hands and let it go into His will. and 4 - if He doesn't, then simply having been willing to submit will be pleasing to Him.
Putting feet to that, I prayed over meeting with my mother and had a very good conversation in which the Lord allowed me to pour out my heart and to listen to hers. we do still both stand with very different viewpoints but i feel better having been able to express my heart and hear hers and have some reconciliation. we still disagree but we do so peacefully and i believe that is tremendous progress. until now, i never in a million years would have been that brave to meet with her and say the things that i needed to say, and i truly don't believe she would have been nearly so accepting of that either, so it's definitely a God thing. Praise God.
Today where do i stand? well, am still battling hard. Wont' lie, spent about three hours at a park this week contemplating suicide. God gave me a good friend who was willing to just listen and pray until i felt better and God intervened and brought peace and strength to keep going. i did not come out unscathed, i cut about a four inch slice into my left arm, which, yes, i am answering for. i am still struggling deeply. But God is bigger and i'm just taking things one minute at a time. it's taking a lot more medication and prayer to keep me stable, but i am still holding on. For now, i think that's really all i can expect.
Appreciate everyone's prayers. I'm sorry for not updating this blog more often, but truly, i've spent so much time in battle that it's kind of taken the back burner for the time being so that i can focus on getting myself to a place where i can breathe again... not to mention all of the preparation work for my husband's gall bladder surgery the day after tomorrow... so please forgive me for being a bit absentminded for the time being....
Exhausted, but hanging on as tight as i can,
AngieSue
2 comments:
I appreciate your honesty in this post! You are still making progress and finding your way in dealing with all this. You're going to make it because God and His people will make sure of it. I will pray for your hubby too. I believe in you. You are worth my prayers. Jesus took a bunch of punishment just so you could get through this. Doesn't seem right does it? It is, because He loves you. Sometimes it takes letting go and screaming out to Him before you can get through but He will never leave you. Never. He takes care of His own.
Just Breathe
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