Not a good candidate for therapy?

okay, so i've been with this new counselor for about 3 weeks and she told me today that she thought i was not a good candidate for therapy. she said that she thinks i prefer to do things alone since i'm so hesitant to open up and because i freaked out about two weeks ago over something she said and went to someone else and followed their advice instead. it wasn't another therapist - it was my pastor. her comments had set off a major trigger and i was struggling with her advice so badly that i got myself into a major crisis... scary... but i was too afraid of the consequences that she could make happen if i told her so i never told her why... anyway, she still doesn't know and now i fear i've gotten myself into a situation i don't know how to make it out of... when she said that, i started crying really hard. i tried to stop myself but it just took over. i begged her not to give up on me and she looked at me like i was misunderstanding her again... i don't know what it is that she wants from me. i promised her that i'd do whatever she said if she would just not quit seeing me. she said she had no intention of quitting seeing me but that she wanted me to have more insight into my own self so i can work toward healing and not keep up all these walls that keep people out... seems to me a very cruel way to point out my shortcomings... i'm trying very, very hard not to wear my feelings on my shoulder but i'm being very vulnerable with this woman, i think it's fair to assume she can hurt me pretty easily? as far as not opening up, although verbally i've not been able to be real revealing, i have given her a written copy of my story that only one other person on the planet has even an idea it exists... this is huge for me...

i dunno. maybe i'm just stupid and immature and don't really understand how this counseling thing works...

and then she also repeated somehting i've also heard from countless non-survivor friends recently... that all of this pain, all of these feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, all of the flashbacks, nightmares, everything - that all of it is in my head and if i'd just figure out that i hold the power over it and decide to excercise that power (like Dorothy clicking her heels to leave Oz) that i'd be free and life could be good again.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?! DON'T THEY REALIZE THAT I DON'T WANT THIS PAIN? I DON'T CHOOSE THIS AS A LIFESTYLE FOR KICKS! I WISH MORE THAN ALL OF THEM COMBINED THAT I COULD BE FREE!!!!! DON'T THEY REALIZE THAT?!

Why does the world think i'm stupid and stubborn? Am i really? If so, how come i can't figure this out? Is this really all there is... it's just up to me to figure it out on my own? If so, what's the point in therapy to begin with - just to jerk us around and give us false hope? just to talk us out of all the awful things that go thru our heads until we knock sense into ourselves? i wish i had a way to understand. am i doing this wrong? am i stupid? i am soooooooooooo confused....

if she was trying to provoke me, it worked. but i have no clue what i'm supposed to do. i already know that i'm a failure as a person, that i can't figure things out the way i should and that i don't interact with people the way i should. i already know that i don't measure up and that i can't do stuff right. why does everyone have to keep pointing it out? am i really that worthless?

not a good candidate for therapy. golly!!! .... didn't realize i had to be perfect for that too...