Questions of the day

okay - been a while since i posted. Quick update. DID give my story to my new counselor. DID live through it and not tear myself into too many pieces before and after. And she DID NOT freak... in fact she barely reacted... that was weird. Also survived the crazy saga with my folks for those of you who know what was happening regarding their new living arrangements - we've come to a compromise that's liveable so... life goes on... :-(

So today's Questions of the day...

My friends at church have taken it upon themselves to pull me aside (i've been having panic attacks at church so it's kind of hard to hide i'm going through stuff...) and pray over me. I appreciate the concern (even if it is embarrassing) and the love but am unsure what to do with the advice... they are suggesting that this is a forgiveness issue and enemy attacks. i understand about needing to forgive and, to be honest, it's what i've been praying about all weekend regarding my mother and step-father but the way it was worded is a way i've never heard before and i'm not sure i can do... they said that i should do like Jesus on the cross and ask God not to hold their sin against them. This i can do for my mother and also my step-father but for my abusive dad... i'm not sure that it's the right thing... do they know what they ask? not even. is that a Biblical request? i'm not so sure. i understand forgiveness and i understand leaving it in God's hands and completely agree with those and am working that way... but is it not okay to be glad that God is a just God and ask Him to take care of things with my very sick father? does Biblical forgiveness actually require me to go to the extent that i'm required to ask God to let him go scot-free? that just doesn't seem right...

i know my friends mean well. they have no clue the extent or even the nature of my abuse - only that my father was abusive and that i just can't vocalize more... but regardless of that, God's commands are God's commands - I don't believe they are conditional. If it applies to small things it also applies to large things... does He require this of me? If so... HOW?

This isn't even the question i wanted to post. I'm also struggling with their second suggestion - that i need to just stop thinking about this stuff and let life go on... this is absolutely situational and a lot easier to set aside and chalk up to their lack of understanding. they have no clue what a flashback is really like - as evidenced by their advice for how to handle them (just choose not to think about it - go do something else instead. ha! if it were that easy i'd have done it long ago, people!!!!) and they also apparently have never dealt with stuffed emotions either because i know my counselor would NEVER tell me to go back to all my old coping mechanisms of distraction and ignoring of all of it. spiritual warfare? yes. filling my mind with scripture and Godly things? yes. lots of prayer? absolutely. doing things that are productive and help me feel good instead of intentionally causing myself injury to cope? yep. but distraction and pretending that it's all good even when it's not? i don't think so. that's kind of what got me here to begin with...

so here's the other question and i'm not sure it has an answer today: How IS life supposed to go on after all this stuff? How in the world am i supposed to just accept a past like this one and then go back to being who i was before? And if i let it re-define me... wow... what am i supposed to do with this?

So, the recap in a nutshell:
1. forgiveness - am i really supposed to ask God to let him off the hook?

and 2. getting a life - hmmmmmmm - nope, not ready for a nutshell yet, i think this one just has to sit and percolate a little longer...