A Lot to Think About

had counseling again today. the homework (see previous post) was a very difficult thing to do because all of that was in relation to what was bugging me the most, which was the worst part of the abuse that's been flashing over and over... so i had to give her a bit of background in order for her to understand the answers to her questions in that context.

got very, very, very stressed going in expecting her to want to hear a lot of the story and her reaction surprised me. she didn't push for any more details than i wanted to volunteer but she gave ME a lot more information than i expected.

i came in with my own set of questions, as my obsession lately has been to understand it and she was the first one who didn't just blow that off entirely and say "you never will" but sit down and say okay, let's look at this... part of her doctoral studies was a requirement to spend a period of time studying people who perpetrate these types of crimes and how they think and work and such and she actually was able to answer quite a bit of how it worked...

tonight i'm just sitting here floored and trying to process this very different point of view on how life was in my family growing up... so pardon me if i'm quiet for the next couple of days as i have a lot to re-frame... so many of the things i thought i understood i now see in a completely different light and conversely some of the things i thought made no sense at all are now more clear. i am beginning to see things from an outside adult rather than from a child in the midst and it's a huge change of perspective.

wow.