Okay, so i'm still processing all this info. had counseling again today and really kind of overwhelmed still at all this so we're kind of camping here until i can get past this... my homework still remains the same - try to absorb the information and re-frame my past based on it.
In a nutshell, basically she said that he was a sociopath and that his entire life centered around this plan to satisfy this passion. that i never meant anything more to him than simply being a convenient way to get his next fix... wow. so i asked her today, then that means that everything i did to try to earn his love was all for naught? none of it mattered? she said it mattered between me and God - in that i did my best with what i had - but that no, he was not capable of relating on that level...
this is an awful lot to process. that in all reality, i was nothing more than a puppet in all of it. no love, no hate, no meaning - just a puppet and a puppeteer. the things he said, the things he did, the way life was... all of it simply a setup to get what he wanted. like The Truman Show - the lines and plot designed to get the one unsuspecting character to do as you please and none of it is real...
i'll say it alleviates an awful lot of guilt, seeing it that way. truly, there was absolutely NOTHING i could do to not be in that situation and i can see where he choreographed even my reactions and needs to his liking...
it makes me very, very sad.
but also confused. if this is true, how much of who i am is "programmed" and how much is really ME? it makes me question anything and everything i ever did or thought or anything...
what is my identity? how much of me is really ME?
3 comments:
Hey, I can understand how your whole world would be upside-down right now! However do you know what I see? I see someone that has always been concerned about others. As bad as you felt, you still did your best to try to appease people. You are not something you're not (if that makes any sense).
I am still praying. This councilor sounds exactly like what you need. I am so happy for you :-)
You have to remember the God factor, He used all of that bad stuff, he didn't make it happen, but who you are was shaped by it, and It made you who you are. You are a loving caring person, inspite of what the monster did.
I guess I look at it this way Ang. Who I am now is not who I was then. Who I will be in 10 years is not who I am now. I am a work in progress. I am ever changing, ever evolving (not in an evolution sense!), ever becoming more and more like Jesus. That's who I am - and it's who you are too - a child of God becoming more and more like Him the more we grow and learn.
I can so feel your pain on this post. You are so good at putting it into words my friend. So good. Keep your head up. I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately - my life will slow down in just a few short days.
If it makes you feel any better - this weekend we were on our way to Chicago and we drove through the area where I last knew my father lived. I know this sounds nuts - but I could literally feel the evil as we drove past. I could also feel the pain of knowing what I've never had and never will have. I don't know that I had ever expressed that to my husband - the feeling of just wishing I had a daddy to call up when things got hard to tell me everything was gonna be all right because daddy was gonna make it okay (and in a real fatherly sense, not the sense we knew). It hurts - still - to this day - but I hold onto the hope that when I get to heaven - my heavenly father - my real father - my only father - is gonna wrap His arms around me - and everything will be okay. Love ya my friend.
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