okay - so first paragraph is for my readers: i'm still alive. still here. not in the hospital. told my husband what was happening. he called all around and looked at everything and sought professional advice. in the process we discovered that we knew a psychologist who would be willing to give a professional opinion and we asked her. she said that i am not crazy, have not gone off the deep end, am actually not in need of inpatient care just some better coping skills, new meds and real counseling (my old counselor was a volunteer with some training but nothing formal). so she agreed to see me for free or cheap and get me on track. i am on the new meds, which i am disappointed that they don't work the way i wanted them to, but they ARE helping and she's seeing me every day or two so i can learn to cope. when i get out of crisis we'll back off to less, but for now we both agree that this is better. she's also working with my doctor on the med situation. i go see my dr today to get that adjusted. thank y'all for praying. please don't stop. this is amazingly hard.
the rest of this post was supposed to be for me. to try to do my homework for my new counselor. to sort things out. she wants me to make peace between the adult side of me and the kid side of me. not like a multiple personality thing but more like the adult is the rational, left brained, in charge, out front portion of who i am and the kid is the afraid, abused, hiding in the closet and covering her head, emotional, right brained, behind the scenes part of who i am. they are currently opposing one another and that's part of the issue. i'm supposed to find out what it's going to take to make peace so i can do like the Bible says and love my neighbor as myself because i don't love myself at all. i'm supposed to figure out how to make the adult part more nurturing and how to find out what it is that the kid part needs in order to get un-stuck and have permission to come out of hiding and be okay again.
you know what though? i've been working on this for an hour now. i thought if i brought it to the blog i could tone it down a bit to sort it out and this is just not working one bit. i'm just getting more and more upset and i have to set this aside before i hurt myself again. this is just too much. my head is screaming so loud. i think i need a break. sorry all.
so for now, it's enough that you know that i'm okay but still struggling big time. i'm going to have to find a different outlet for this assignment than simple words because... well i do.
please keep praying all. i really need it.
thanks,
me
3 comments:
Keep up the good work, but don't try so hard, back off some, pray about it, and God will show you. This is not a pass or fail homework, I can all most promise you your Dr won't be upset if you go to see her on Monday and still haven't figgured it out. She won't say you failed, she'll say let's see what you have, and go from there. If you have nothing then she will start asking you some questions to draw you out. I promise she won't be upset if you don't come in with the answers, trying and thinking about it is enough.
Wow this is a long comment...
Love ya
Still praying! You are doing so awesome! You continue to amaze me. You haven't given up. You continue to move forward. You share your situation instead of hiding it. Every step you take is a step closer to freedom. You have taken a lot of steps this year! It is impossible to not be proud of you!!! :-) Hear me cheering for you? Go Angie, go Angie, go Angie-whoop, whoop goooooooo Angie!
Haven't forgotten you my friend. Just have had no time to be on the computer for any length of time. I'm praying - and just now catching up on your blog. I'm sorry for not being there for you as you have gone through things as of late. Read one of your posts and I will comment later. Excellent job - as always - putting your thoughts and feelings into words. It's amazing even though you don't realize it. It will help you heal. So proud of you - even through these tough times that you can't see the light.
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