Okay, ignore that last post. I've spent the day in the hospital undergoing the most degrading tests that there are, only to be told AGAIN that they see reasons for a little pain but nothing that explains the levels and length of time in it all. Another discharge. Another referral. Another prescription for pain pills. Same old story.
I give up. I just don't have it in me anymore to hope, you know? I spent the morning listening to them hear me, taking hope that they would find answers. Taking comfort in their compassion. And at the end of the day, the answer is still the same.
I'm done. I'm done hoping. I'm done caring. I'm done trying. I'm done working. I'm done fighting. Nothing I do matters. Nothing makes a difference. If nothing makes a difference, then why should I put myself through this, huh? I guess I just need to make peace with living this way long term. Make peace with that I am just one of those people that there aren't answers for. I begged and pleaded and cried at the hospital - PLEASE?! We told them we'd mortgage the house or do anything else but to please, please, please treat me. They just flat out said, they don't know what to treat. Whatever this is, in their words, isn't going to kill me today, so they have no choice to refer me elsewhere.
Maybe this is just how life is meant to be. Pain. Discouragement. Disappointment. Maybe I'm really not meant for better. Maybe this is all there is. I'm too stupid to kill myself. Don't get me wrong. Don't call the men in the white coats. Not going there. I wish I could, but I know I won't. If nothing else, I live for my kids. THEY deserve better. Even if I don't, THEY DO. I won't take that from them.
But I don't know what else to do but to give up hope on ever having better for myself. Ever having more than this. Sorry, guys. I tried. I really did.
1 comment:
Hey again,
You know better. I not praying for nothing. I specifically prayed for your PHYSICAL healing this morning. God took me in this direction because it is coming. It was not today but it is coming. You took it upon yourself to have the hospital fix you and things went the way they always have. I don't have health care answers. I know how frustrating the system is and I haven't had a major need health-wise. I can only image the frustration you are going through and I don't even know the full story. I do know that God is going to fix this pain. I don't know how or when but your pain will be history. The timing felt right with all that was happening but it wasn't for today.
Hang in there. I'm still praying. :-)
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