Some days I feel like Dory from "Finding Nemo" - always ending up in the same place over and over. This has been an incredibly long week. Belly pain aside, even if it were gone, it's been awful.
Still dealing with all the memories and the feelings. I'm sure people are sick of how long this is taking. But it was horrible. And I've run from it my whole life. For good reason. And there is an awful lot of emotion that I have to clean out. And those who have not walked this path, just could never understand that.
In the beginning, all the blank spots (which really was most of my childhood) really bothered me. I wished I knew why they were missing. I wished I understood what happened. I wanted to know. I figured it was like that old cartoon, "knowing is half the battle!" All I had was one awful night, a lot of doubt and a truckload of questions. I figured if I had the answers, I could close the book and be done. Sounds logical, right?
WRONG CITY!!!! Totally wrong. Uh-uh. Not even close. Wrong-O! Absolutely not. Dead wrong. Dory was right. Maybe there really is something to being blissfully oblivious...
So I've been going through counseling. Been doing all the homework assigned. Answering all the questions. Doing everything expected. Going above and beyond doing research. Trying to find the best way to do this. Wanting to get well with all my heart. Coming to grips with that night. Working through the feelings. Dealing with the flashbacks. Coping with the nightmares. Making progress. And it's been REAL progress. I've come a long way. A really long way.
But recently... like in the last two months... my counselor says it's because I've done so much work and I feel safe, that it's a good sign... but it sure doesn't feel good... I've been discovering what was in the missing parts. Getting answers to my questions. Answers I never wanted to hear. And most of it has fallen on my head in the last week. Hit hard. REALLY, REALLY HARD!
I feel like Dory. Here I am again. Back where I started. All that progress out the window. Completely forgotten.
Don't get me wrong, I'm holding on tight to what God has done. And praying my heart out not to lose it. But WOW IT HURTS!!!!!!
It's thrown my whole world for a loop. And the emotion that is coming with it is as if it happened just now. My heart is raw. My brain is fried. I am totally wiped out. I'm floored. And I'm really having a hard time coping again. breathing. anything.
I have my answers. And they are terrible.
God,
Help me hold on!
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