Thinking

Okay so I've been doing a lot of thinking... My belly has had me pretty much incapacitated the past couple of days - any effort at all on my part (even the simple act of folding one load of laundry) is wiping me out. When all you can do is sit, thinking is pretty much unavoidable...

Got in a fight with my mother on Sunday about my step-father. It's been bothering me big time. Normally, submission is totally my thing, but lately I'm realizing some of his demands are more than a bit unreasonable. The latest one was a blatant attack on my husband's and my authority to have a say on when and how they can take our children, especially in relation to missing church. It is not wrong for us to assert the ability to say no if they announce they're taking the children on a Sunday. Yet, they were very angry when we did and it threw me big time when my mother not only took my step-father's side, but tried to manipulate the kids to do the same. When I had cooled off enough to confront her on that (also something new - confrontation is not my thing), before I could say anything, it came out that he's been going over the top again in his controlling at home and that he is in the process of enacting major life changes that will cost her dearly and has not consulted her in the matter whatsoever. It broke my heart. Confrontation cancelled.

Realized last night as I was talking with a dear friend that this is such a big deal to me because I've been very much needing to protect my mother. But here's the deal:

1 - She's an adult. She chose this man. She has the ability to say something in this matter and is choosing not to. For whatever reason, she chooses to live this way.
2 - He's controlling like crazy and very self-centered, but he's not physically harming anyone. This is not my father. Alarm bells may be ringing in my head, but he is not going to harm her physically. That situation is over. It's different now.
3 - It's not my job to protect her. I can encourage her. I can offer to help. I can be there as a daughter and friend. But I'm out of line in stepping into the role of protector. Especially if she is choosing this for herself by not confronting his behavior.
4 - Ahhh, this is the hard one. Not only is it not my job to protect her, it was her job to protect me...

And here come the flood of emotions from when I was a kid. Because in the midst of all of this mess, the flashbacks have not stopped. And just before all of this blew in, I was dealing with that I tried to tell her... I was very, very small and had no good words to express it, so she didn't understand, but nevertheless I tried to tell her and she didn't hear me. She didn't protect me. She didn't try. Although she never connected the dots on the sexual abuse, she did know about the other. She was there when he came at me with a knife when I was six to "help me" stop sucking my thumb...and when he made a joke out of trying to drown me in the lake...and when he held his keg parties in our backyard...and when he had his drunken rages...she heard the things he said to me, saw the way he treated me. She was upset with him, but she stayed. She had words with him, but she stayed. She never took action to leave until she had to physically pull him off me a decade later... we stayed until he had become a monster that couldn't be stopped and the damage was already done. And here I am, feeling guilty for not protecting HER. How messed up is that?

Don't get me wrong, I love my mother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. But I've got to come to my senses here. Thinking about my thought train, and the logic pattern (or lack thereof) makes me realize just how much work I still have left to do.

I'm sad. Won't hide it. I'm mourning that it had to get that bad. It really hurts that it was allowed to go that far. But I'm also realizing how messed up I've let it get. I'm realizing that now, as an adult, it's my turn to take control. It's my turn to say "enough". And I'm not going to wait another decade. I've got to stand my ground now. I have to take up for myself because no one else is going to. With God's help, I'll grow a backbone and reprogram my brain and learn to function in healthy ways. And protect my children from repeating this pattern. EVER.

Amazing. When am I going to learn? Right now!