Grieving...

Okay, so maybe codeine makes things fuzzy and pain makes them crazy but if nothing else I've had a lot of time to think.

Today, I grieve for my family. I'm grieving for the loss of my imaginary family. And I'm finally beginning to be willing to let them go. I grieve for the family that I wished I had - the one I wanted - the one that never was. I grieve for a mother that wanted to dote on me and buy me dresses and pay attention to every detail of my life and cry with me when things were hard and laugh with me when things were not - one that would have killed to keep me safe - a mama bear - a momma. I grieve for a brother who, even though we fought like siblings do, would also have protected me. One that was interested about my life. One that cared about his sister the way that my son cares about my daughter. One that wanted to be involved. One that never ran away. I grieve for a sister that I never had at all. One that would hear the cries of my heart and be my best friend. One that would share every joy and every pain and every moment and every passion. One that would have heard me when I cried and understood and stepped out on my behalf. Most of all, I grieve for a father...no, that's not right...I grieve for a "Daddy". I grieve for a Daddy that loves his daughter more than anything else in all the world. I grieve for a Daddy that calls me "princess" and means it. For one that wouldn't hurt me for all the money in the world and would do anything - anything to make me smile. One that takes joy in all my accomplishments and brushes me off and sets me back up to try again when the world knocks me down. One that treasures me and cheers me on. One that thinks those that do "unthinkable things" are monsters. One that would never in a million years consider becoming a monster himself.

Today I grieve for that family. Today, I accept that it will never be. Today I admit that it was never mine. Today, I weep for what I wished for. It's the first baby step toward accepting what was: I accept what was NOT.

I weep. But I weep honestly. To all the little girls in the world who actually HAVE families like that: I'm soooooooooo happy for you. I pray you realize what an amazing gift that is...