Don't Forget!!!!

This entry is to remind me what freedom feels like. To help me remember so I don’t quit. To keep going until I get there. Because it will totally be worth it.

Before today, I walked only in pain. I walked in guilt. In shame. In condemnation. The pressure was like living underwater. Living at 500 feet down. Murky. Dark. Intense. Seeing things in a blur. Needing lots of coping skills just to breathe. Fighting to move. The surface was a mystery not meant for people like me. Hard to picture a mountaintop when you live so far below even the valleys… The idea of being free was really something I figured would happen only in heaven…

Today I got a taste, just a glimpse of what freedom feels like.

It’s amazing. It’s totally worth fighting for. Worth the flashbacks and nightmares. Worth the work. For real.

Today, the light bulb went on in my head on just one issue. And it was amazing. I realized that all of the things he did to me and he said and all of the ways I hurt… ALL of it was HIS bad. My father was a sick and twisted monster and it was HIS choice to put me there and to do what he did. But I never deserved it. And I could have done nothing to prevent it. Not one iota was in my control. What he did was wrong and he had no right to do it. Not in the slightest. And instead of being just words, I really understood and believed it. I no longer had to carry the burden he wrongly buried me beneath. What a difference.

When it clicked, the guilt lifted. The shame fled. And I was able to breathe. The burden was so heavy… it was like suddenly instead of being under 500 feet of water, I was freed to float at the surface and breathe regular air. Suddenly, things made sense. I could see clearly. I could breathe freely. It no longer took huge amounts of energy to move or think or communicate. Suddenly I was free of all of that.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, I’m told. I’m not even out of the water yet. I have a beach waiting. And sunshine. I’ll learn to walk right. And to dance. And to run. And there’s a mountaintop that awaits me and a view that will floor me I’m sure. And freedom like I can’t even imagine. If this is just a taste of what’s to come, then yes, freedom will be worth every sleepless night and every flashback and every awful word and painful tear. This ocean of tears that has drowned me will no longer hold me captive. Maybe I may even learn to fly… and even the mountain will be conquered… imagine that… wow…

I write this so I’ll remember. I know the road is long. I know the workload is tremendous. But I write this to remind myself that the reward is real. And that death is not required to experience it. I’ve tasted it. Romans 8:18 is right – it WILL be worth it. I write this so I don’t forget.