A Message of Hope

Finally feeling some real hope - not just a glimmer but I really believe that things are getting better and will continue that way. I can see healing as a real possibility for me. I'm so impressed at what God is doing.

Couple of days ago, had a series of really bad nightmares - several bad nights in a row but the last one was REALLY bad. Normally the flashback nightmares are once through the awefulness and then I'm awake and out of there and I just find a way not to go back to sleep until it has passed. This time (it was a daytime nap after a hard night), it was several bad ones back to back without being able to wake up in between - the last one was full flashback in vivid detail - when I'm in the midst of it, I can't tell it's not really happening - it's really, really bad. But the ending was VERY different.

God was there. He just suddenly was there. And He cut me free. He had some kind of big soft blanket to scoop me up in and cover me. He wrapped me up and took me up into His lap. I was so small. He was so big. Big enough I could lay down while He held me and have as much room as my bed. I was terrified and overwhelmed from what all just happened and He just held me. The feeling of being safe was tangible. Even though I was so emotional from all I had just experienced, it was like I was saturated with His safety - like warm oil flowing through me inside and out - tingly and good. He just held me and let me cry in His lap for I have no idea how long. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I was still crying when I woke up - my pillow was wet with tears. It was intense.

It affected me in a really big way. At first it was just the left over terror of the dreams. But it's been two nights since then and I have not had another nightmare. Now the reality of it is starting to sink in.

I keep thinking of the scripture, "when my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up." (Ps 27:10)

I think this is my answer about how things can go on after this. I've been so stuck on the thought that there's just no way that I can recover from a wound this deep - that I've been damaged beyond repair - that somehow I am the exception to God's mercy. But God is not rejecting me. He sees me like the Bible says and not like I thought. And He CAN take me out of it and turn it around. I figure if He can take me up - literally - even after all I endured - and hold me instead of throwing me away like my dad did, then there has to be hope that He'll finish the work and heal my heart.

And the hope inside me is growing now. First, it was a passing thought through the emotion of the nightmare - trying to process the ending. Then, it was a "hey, that's good." Today, I actually believe it. Really. In my heart.

I know I have much more mountain to climb, but I feel like I'm finally making some real progress - it finally feels do-able.

Praise God!