My head is spinning. My heart is so overwhelmed. The thing in my gut is back. I'm flashing again. It's been a desperate week. I've been fighting the hopelessness that makes me want to just curl up and die. I won't give in, but I won't lie and say it hasn't been a battle and a half...
God is intervening - He had more people hug me and express love today in church than I thought possible. The timing was incredible - they had no idea because I don't let on how badly I hurt - I can't let on - not yet - I wanted to - I almost said something - but I couldn't - but it meant the world to me nonetheless. There has to be hope if God can cause all these people to care all at the same time.
I don't know why I can't grasp this help He sends. I'm trying - I really am. So many people keep saying, "Just let it go." But they have NO idea. If I could simply put it down, I'd have done it years ago. It's not that simple. It's who I am. I'm trying not to be defined by it, but it's defined me for so long - this is why I run so hard - this is what I've run from for as long as I can remember - I just don't know how to change. how to quit. I'm afraid to stop running - it's too huge. too painful. too aweful.
I don't want this to be my past. I don't want to be the one they threw away. I don't want to be so worthless that even my father couldn't care. I don't know how not to be afraid, not to be worthless, not to be miserable, not to feel worthy of the hell in my heart because of what happened.
God, here I am again - same place, same problems, different day. I cry out for mercy AGAIN. I pray You don't get tired of hearing the same thing so many times. I thank You that You understand I'm just dirt. Please help me. Please rescue me. Please show me the way out. Take my hand and drag me - carry me - whatever it takes - make it better, God - please?
5 comments:
praying sweetie... praying. Love ya D.
Hey, just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you!
hey again sorry i havent written. this is a comment for a couple of your blogs.
1. the God dream. good! it means God is working with you, he is letting you know that what happend was bad but God is the Father what will not forsake you. he is there for you and he is saving you even when you dont feel it.
2. i hate my little girl to. i swear i feel her clawing at me from the inside. screaming to break free and i dont know what to tell her. how i hate that i to never had that childhood
3. maybe there is hope for me?
my nightmares are getting worse. and this past week i swear i have seen him come into my workplace. though i know he is not in alabama. nor would he know me if he saw me. but still i swear its him. just walking in as if he is going to claim me and take me away.
im not sure what to do if its a dream thats one thing but when i am hallucinating that he is coming to my work place that scares me even worse.
but seeing that there is hope for you i can only pray that there will be hope for me
i think there is more to say but ill write to you elsewhere.
love you rabbit
Reading your blog - and praying - and amazed at how well you express yourself. That is going to really help. Keep writing.
So proud of you for working through this. You will be victorious. You will.
I think you should consider something. A book. Write a book. Don't use your name - use a pen name. I think it would be a tool in healing. Think about it. Or keep writing here and one day make it a book. You would bless those who feel they have no voice. You would be their voice.
I'll be praying.
Hmmm I think someone else said something about your writing a book....
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