AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i found myself very emotional today. the tears began before 9:30am. all the pain of my past - the need to tell my story - the need to get out the nasty details - and trying so hard to hold on to the progress made tuesday and wednesday... i just couldnt manage - i fell apart. it's so so hard to consider that MY VERY OWN FATHER could be a sociopath to the point he literally held no empathy or remorse for his actions... i mean, for seven years i was his stupid playtoy for finding out just how much pain a human being can tolerate without tears... and in the end - just to do what i couldnt handle on my own - he drugged me and did all he wanted anyway. and then put pressure on ME to disappear and when i couldnt (because i was THIRTEEN YEARS OLD) he threatened the two most precious things in my life - himself and my mother. and then after watching me mess up big time and be a failure at disappearing - even to the point i was willing to give my own life in exchange for his - he killed himself and put the blame for it on my shoulders through a letter he mailed the day before he did it. and he never cared about me or my feelings or my wellbeing. ever.

i'm angry yes, but i'm also in pain because of it all.

guess i just needed to vent these feelings. tomorrow is the day of the anniversary both of his final rape - with the drugs - and also of his death. and i'm drowning in the pain.

Good News and Bad News

Good news is i've finally broken through whatever it was in my heart that kept me from seeing the truth. from believing it. finally, i've learned to see that i was never at fault for any of the awfulness. including his suicide. i've stopped being angry at me and begun to feel the anger that God intended - righteous anger at my father for what he did. who he was to me. this is a huge huge huge obstacle to overcome and i'm thrilled to say i'm here. feels so freeing - so good. i wouldnt say yet that i have peace exactly, but a sense of validation - being glad i exist instead of wishing not to is a wonderful change.

so mentally and emotionally, i'm in a good place right now. except...

Bad news is i'm having chest pains. they're scaring me quite well thank you very much. i went to the dr today and had an ekg but there are still more tests to do as they dont know the cause of whatever it is that's happening. i have testing this week, a change in meds, and two more appointments next week. have also been told that if it gets worse or changes in a way that causes me concern, that i should go straight to the emergency room.

anyway. please pray. i promise to update as soon as i know something more concrete. thanks in advance.

so i ended up sick when i skipped church - good thing i didnt go, i didnt realize it yet and was contagious so it was good i stayed home.

since then - had a good saturday and a terrible rest of the time including today.

found myself today a basketcase and ended up opening up and sharing things i've not shared before AT ALL... EVER... with a new friend. am praying now she doesnt end up not liking me because of the huge levels of pain and ignorance i showed.

tomorrow is wednesday and i have to work. please pray that i have some semblance of sanity and self control to do so without falling apart again.

guess that's all i can handle sharing tonight. headed to bed.

goodnight, world.

Goodbye August...

the month of Nine is here again. i got out of bed and went to work today but not willingly. i wish i stayed in bed. nothing about the day was redeemable.

skipped church tonight - too exhausted to go.

this is not a good beginning.

lately

so i've decided to make this september better than in years past. it's always a hard month for me - is the same month my father chose to do most of the abuse, to try to get rid of me, and to end his own life. is very triggering to say the least.

so - i've made two lists - one of reasons to keep going and keep working on healing and the other of healthy coping skills to do instead of unhealthy ones. i've removed all of my self injury tools from the house and had a friend throw them away for me so i can go after them. and i've set me up a network of real people to talk to 24/7 if i have need as well.

am feeling very prepared and ready to tackle the first task of therapy homework. containing the pain in my father's memory in a concrete way.
just finding and printing and old pic has been difficult but i want to heal so badly... besides next step is to hammer as many nails as i like into his picture... and then hotglue him inside an airtight container and bring him to therapy to leave him there.

well, i guess that's a good update for now. i've got to go.

thanks for reading, y'all - your support means the world to me.

Group Therapy

Group was especially good today. felt included and worthwhile. then when it was over, none of us felt ready to leave so we hung out a while and i made a friend with one of the members of the group. we talked for about an hour.

not going to include conversation topics here because i want to leave her comments in her hands, not mine, but i WILL say that it was so therapeutic for me.

and although there will be no group next week, they are allowing us to have double group this week. will see them all again on Thursday evening. :)

Praise God for a good day AND progress made.

Is ANYBODY out there?

just feeling alone and pointless in the world... wondering if anyone actually reads this thing anymore or if it's back to being an online journal...?