AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i found myself very emotional today. the tears began before 9:30am. all the pain of my past - the need to tell my story - the need to get out the nasty details - and trying so hard to hold on to the progress made tuesday and wednesday... i just couldnt manage - i fell apart. it's so so hard to consider that MY VERY OWN FATHER could be a sociopath to the point he literally held no empathy or remorse for his actions... i mean, for seven years i was his stupid playtoy for finding out just how much pain a human being can tolerate without tears... and in the end - just to do what i couldnt handle on my own - he drugged me and did all he wanted anyway. and then put pressure on ME to disappear and when i couldnt (because i was THIRTEEN YEARS OLD) he threatened the two most precious things in my life - himself and my mother. and then after watching me mess up big time and be a failure at disappearing - even to the point i was willing to give my own life in exchange for his - he killed himself and put the blame for it on my shoulders through a letter he mailed the day before he did it. and he never cared about me or my feelings or my wellbeing. ever.

i'm angry yes, but i'm also in pain because of it all.

guess i just needed to vent these feelings. tomorrow is the day of the anniversary both of his final rape - with the drugs - and also of his death. and i'm drowning in the pain.