Saturday, May 19, 2012
anger
anger at my grandfather. anger at my mother. anger at the shadow people. anger.
not an easy subject. controversial really but so far, very eye opening. my christian friends will swear by the truth of the need for forgiveness. i agree. but i also believe that in order to fully forgive, i need to fully accept what happened and that's going to stir up anger. anger no longer directed at God or myself. therefore, something i need to allow to happen. so here i am. this post is letting that flow out. so, here i go...
i'm angry at my grandfather - he wrote that book and put in it that it was my mother's fault for the divorce and subsequent death of my father. he never acknowledged even a little of the hell we endured. my father could do no wrong. i say BOLOGNA! Bull! and then to have admitted to intentionally hiding the contents of whatever note was left behind... he's guilty by association then.
how can you be so quick to judge? easy. easy peasy lemon squeezy people. try living what i lived and having someone laugh in your face over it and see how that feels! yeah, he's a deluded old man who wants to live in fantasy land. that's what my mother says. let him live in his little world. a quote... let him see what his son wanted him to see... WHY?! to preserve my father's memory in a dying man's eyes. translation my grandfather's wishes usurp my need for validation from my pain.
you know what? no. no! not this time. at least here in my private little blog i can let my feelings go and let them out and no one can yell at me and tell me i dont matter. i've played pretend at their every whim for my whole life. i'm done. i'm so done. yes, i WILL publish my book whenever it's done. my story needs to be told and i choose this day not to bow down any longer and kiss the feet that kick me.
God, please help me to forgive in due time. please help me not to let my anger turn into bitterness but also please help me to realize that righteously indignant is something you feel too.
what they did was wrong. and it's about time someone said it.
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1 comment:
((((((ang)))))) so proud of you. I got into a discussion with someone about anger the other day and she was saying she felt she was doing something wrong because she got angry. I say BS. Some things are worthy of anger. Sometimes lots of it. If we don't allow ourselves to get angry over what happened how are we ever going to process it? Denying our anger only pushes it down and allows it to grow bigger and scarier. No feeling can ever be bad or wrong. It's how we feel, and it's a fact. The question is what we do with it and how we handle it. And I think you're handling it amazingly well. You're standing up for yourself and your own worth, which is awesome! Luv ya!
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