oh my goodness what a ride it's been. Christmas went well. we survived all the craziness that my family brings and it was actually good. :) week after christmas was crazy and good - had a visit from a very dear friend and her son and then another visit from a special couple from our previous church. it was a good week. went back to therapy feeling good and ready to face the world. house organized, book found that i wanted to share with t, everything well...

apparently not THAT well. giving her the book made me shaky and unsure of myself, like if i gave it to her i was admitting i went thru that... it was specifically written for survivors of ra. stink.

before i knew it i was flashing bad. i had gone for a walk with K at a park we frequent. it's never been an issue before but this time it was serious - the woods we walk in, although safe and tropical and nothing like the woods i was hurt in, became northern all of a sudden and it was like taking a tour of life sites and coming up on... yeah. you know what i mean. i'm having to remind myself to breathe as i type this...

i managed to make it halfway home before the hugeness of that hit me. it was bad. i couldnt tell up from down, flashback from reality, anything. for days. tuesday, wednesday, thursday and now i'm at friday and barely conscious of truth. head spinning, heart pounding, voices screaming, and trying to function for my kids... whatever breakthru that awaits is probably a biggie for a fight this hard. it's been a long time since it messed me up like this.

gtg now. kids r home. ugh.