(sigh)

so here i am, again, blogging in a more diary type fashion than what i intended this to be - i really want to air my thoughts and think things thru but my life is so hectic it's all i can do to blog once a week even... ugh.

anyway, here's what's happening... went to a conference with my church and it went really well - God pretty much read my mail (what i asked Him to do) and stepped in to save the day... won't tell y'all what from because i REALLY dont want to end up in trouble with someone over it...

so there were a few good days post conference. i slept three whole nights in a row - two of them WITHOUT sleepy meds... had four or so days of minimal flashbacks and peacefullish thoughts. it was a marvelous break.

break's now over. still struggling with the same issues i had pre-conference and now the flashbacks are back with vividness. and my guard was down because i was rested and relaxed... needless to say i am frustrated and upset with myself for not seeing this coming.

had a friend bring up a very good point to me yesterday - i feel this huge empty place for my father's love. i wanted him to love me more than anything else in all the world. i was mad at me for not being angry at him and hating him, hugely mad for loving him even. but my friend said that just being desperate for his love doesnt mean the same thing as loving him. i am more confused than ever about that but it was a good point because it made me realize that i cant feel safe without his approval and that THAT might be the reason i cant feel angry and feel this huge emptiness where his love should have gone.

idk. i dissociated during that conversation so i dont have it all. hence the confusion. but at least for a little while it made sense and helped me not feel so awful for "loving" such a monster.

idk but now that i've written this out i'm struggling to keep my eyes open. i gotta go and escape into sleep.

those of you that still read, and those of you that have a relationship with God, please pray for me. this feels like an important battle.

thanks,
me