he doesn't go away. he never goes away. it just keeps getting harder. i know it sounds crazy but i swear he's trying to kill me.
had a long talk with my therapist and with a couple of very trusted friends... everyone said the same thing. this is not a battle with my father. yes, the memories exist. yes, the abuse was horrendous. but he is dead. he cannot come back and "haunt" - this is flat out a spiritual battle. and i can't fight it alone. something big must be at stake because there are no stops pulled here...
i won't lie - the nightmares and flashbacks are the worst i've ever had. i'm truly unsure that i'm up for this task. at the same time, i'm so thankful that i have promises to stand on - God says that He is faithful to complete the work he started, that all things work for good to those He calls, and that His calling is without repentance... so I'm calling out and hanging on and calling in the troops for support. Please, everyone, please pray hard right now?
last night, during one of the really, really bad nightmares... i managed to squeak in a word - just one - Jesus. He stopped the dream. But left me with a realization of how bad it was - what my father did - a reality check. And a breaking heart for what happened. i'm exhausted. i'm confused. i'm battling to the death. but i'm not giving up. please hang with me, ok? this has to end eventually, right?
2 comments:
"he's trying to kill me"- Yes he is. However, the he you are referring to is the devil not your Earthly dad. He knows you are vulnerable and weak and knows where to attack you and when.
Hang on to those promises. Have them ready when he attacks. Write them out, memorize them.
I John 4:2-4 This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world.
You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.
You can't lose unless you give up. I will continue to pray everyday for you. You have extra favor because of our prayers. My heart hurts for you and I'll do all I can to hang with you! You have Protection. You have Strength. You have Victory. When you are able say the promises. Declare your relationship to Jesus and what that means for whatever comes against you. No weapon formed against you will prosper. It may drop you to your knees but because of Jesus you will be safe and it won't kill you. Fight it with Jesus. Trust in His promises. Put your confidence in His fixing this.
John 6:29 Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent."
You will make it. We will help.
praying.
Post a Comment