a letter of venting

from little ang... (yeah, it's both very raw and very long - sorry - had a lot i needed to say)

daddy

GO AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE GO AWAY!!!

i'm so tired, daddy. i'm so tired of living in this closet. i wish you would go away and leave me alone. i'm so so so so tired... i hate that you make me hide in this closet. i hate that you torture me day and night. i hate that you sneak up on me every time things are good. i hate that you won't let me rest. i'm exhausted. please... please leave me alone, daddy. please? please go away?

i did everything to please you daddy. i made you the center of my world to earn your love. i did anything and everything for you. things a little girl should never have to do. i even tried to DIE for you, daddy. it's time to let me go. i can't please you. i can't do it. i just don't have it left in me... i can't be your slave anymore. please, please, please... let me be free.

you hurt me. you hurt me real bad. i want to tell you how you made me feel. you are a bad daddy. bad, bad daddy… you hurt me really bad… you’re a very mean daddy. a mean daddy that makes me feel sick. please stop. please, please, please stop, daddy – i don’t like that. it makes me feel yucky and bad.

you never let me say no. NO! NO! NO! i need to cry, daddy. why won’t you let me cry? i want to cry out loud - to scream - to be allowed to show this pain - it hurts and i am so afraid… i am so so so afraid, i don’t like this game… please don’t hurt me, daddy. please don’t hurt me like you do…you make me so afraid. i want to yell. i want to cry. i want to fight you. i want to love you and make you happy. and i don’t understand. i don’t know what you want. i don’t know how to make you happy. i am so confused and scared. i wish you would go away and leave me alone...

you tell me i’m a bad girl. you tell me you do this because i’m bad. you say this is what bad feels like. i feel it daddy. i do. i feel it. and i’m sorry. i’m sorry for everything. i’m so so so so sorry – i promise i’m really, really sorry… all i want to do is be good. i’m trying – i’m trying so hard! but i don’t know what i’m supposed to do or not do. i want to scream and cry. but i don’t feel like that because i want to be bad or make anybody mad, daddy. i feel like that because i want so much to understand. i want to be good, i do, i really, really do, i promise. i want to be good and make you happy and let me go… i just don’t know how…

daddy, my new friends tell me that you are wrong. that you lied to me. that even in your dying words, you lied. that i am not a bad girl. that you are not dead because of me. i get so confused. i want to be good. i don't want to believe you anymore. you’re my daddy. in all the world, you are the one i wanted to please the most. but you lied to me, daddy! now i just want you to go away!

i’m afraid, daddy. i’m afraid. and i hide in my closet. i hide in there to cry so the people won’t see my tears. so they won’t see my fear. so they will love me. so i can be good… i’m trying SO HARD to be good… but nothing makes sense. it never makes sense. i don’t understand… i can’t make it work – i try so hard – i promise I do… i want to be good, i really do!!!

why, daddy? why do you treat me like that? why won’t you love me? why won’t you see me when i’m doing good things? why do you hurt me? why, if i’m so bad, do you smile when you hurt me? why do you LIKE my pain? when it hurts that bad… when you hurt my stupid button… you smile… i don’t understand… do you smile because you proved I’m stupid? you LIE – i’m NOT stupid – you MADE me do those things… you are so MEAN… you gave me no choice and you called me stupid for it!!! do you smile because i’m finally sorry enough? don’t you know i was sorry before? all i ever wanted to do was make you happy… it’s NOT FAIR!!! IT’S SO NOT FAIR!!!! my new friends tell me that you smile because you are sick. that you are a sick, bad, mean daddy and that everything you say is wrong. i’m sorry you are sick daddy. i want to make you better. am i bad because i want you to be better? does it make me bad because i need you to go away? because i wish you were dead in my head like you are for real? you broke me, daddy! you broke my heart and my will and just plain ME and it wasn’t fair!!!! not even close to fair… you are a mean, mean man…

i can’t come out of this closet, because i don’t know what to do, daddy. i don’t what i’m supposed to do. i don't know how...i don't know how... nobody tells me how! i don't know how to get free. i don’t know how to be good. i don’t know how to not get hurt anymore. i don’t know how to make my owies heal... how to make you go away and leave me alone. i’m afraid to come out. i am afraid to let people see me - i'm afraid of them too. i’m afraid i’ll do it wrong. i’m afraid they'll hurt me too. that they’ll hate me too. that maybe you were right and nobody can ever love who i really am because i can’t do anything right, ever. what am i supposed to do? i’m so confused… i’m so alone… if i can’t trust you, daddy, who am i supposed to trust? i'm so scared... i’m so so so so scared.

i wish someone would come rescue me from this closet and tell me what to do…please. please, i need you to go away from me, daddy. please go away and leave me alone, daddy. please. please, i want to be free. i can't ever get free if you keep me trapped in here. please, daddy, please - please leave me alone. please go away!

i’m mad with you, daddy. i am SO, SO mad. in my head I have bad thoughts. i wish i could do bad things to you too, sometimes. i am trying so hard to forgive but being trapped like this makes me really, really mad. i don’t want to be like you, daddy. i don’t want to fall into your trap and be a mad monster like you. i try to make this mad go away. it scares me like crazy. but I’m very mad at you. what you did was not fair… NOT FAIR!!!

(she curls up tiny in her closet behind the boxes, and blankets, and clothes – crying hard, silently screaming and desperately trying to swallow the pain and the mad and make it stop… that’s all she can say for now...)