Made A Decision

Have been in hiding. Have spent the last few days praying and pondering over things, seeking God for clarity and progress. Just HAD to do SOMETHING... had bad reaction to sleeping medicines that have had me having seizures as of late and the idea of fighting without sleep sent me into desperation mode at God's feet.

Made a decision. Basically, if i'm going to be miserable anyway, i'm going to go down fighting. enough is enough. it's time. realized that all of the things going thru my head over and over - the messages pounded into me over the years - none of it is doing me any good at all and running in fear of it isn't either. i have to get free.

until now, i realize i've still been running from it - yes, letting a select few people know about my pain - but still running from it. my mantra, so to speak, has been "how in the world do i live with this..." this changes now. now, i fight back. i stop running. i stop hiding behind my pain. i stop hiding, period. how in the world do i live with this? i don't know. i have absolutely no idea. but it's time to try.

praying now over a battle plan, as i KNOW this is going to be a battle. began with being honest with my therapist today about some things i'd been very afraid to say. and also with my dr, since i had to see her about the seizures anyway. together, God is directing the three of us about how to win this battle. but battle i will.

i have made a decision. i will no longer hide. it's time to fight. i WILL be free!