What is up with that?!

Okay, this blog is about venting and figuring things out and i have intentionally given myself permission to be ME here again - honest - not worrying about what other people think. so here goes. wow.

alright, been struggling with self injuring. not really admitted it much to anybody. not leaving marks unless they look accidental - mostly damaging areas where most people would never see - covered by clothing... except for one really bad mark i left before my surgery but then i (sorry) lied. told people it was a bad scrape... i was too afraid if they knew i did it because of the stress that i'd wake up after surgery in the psych unit... and i just couldn't handle that. have major issues about that. confinement is a major issue for me because of my past... anyway. but it's been more and more of an issue of late. usually just something i do unconciously during the flashbacks - effects of trying to fight them off... but the worst by far are the extra bad days - like yesterday when i cried out on here for help. feeling the need to go to extremes. i will report to you that i DID make it through this time without giving in to it, but that has not always been the case.

anyway, it's weird when it hits. it's like this heavy, lead blanket that comes on me. like physically, tangibly heavy. i can tell you it hit thursday night about 5:30 pm and lifted friday about 7 pm. it's tangible. it's specific. it's very, very heavy. the feeling is beyond hopeless - it's like the word, 'hopeless' is not strong enough to describe it. more like despair. like truly i'm being pulled under and drowned and there is no point in fighting it because i can't get free...ever. it sucks the life right out of me. my husband says i loose the color in my face. i have no strength physically, emotionally, spiritually... none. and i feel this compulsion - this drive that says i am bad beyond bad. worthless. and that nothing matters. and no one cares. and i deserve nothing but pain. and that's all i'm made for. and that healing applies to everyone else but me and that i'm somehow different and no way can i ever heal - i don't deserve to heal. because i'm bad. bad beyond bad. and that all i deserve is death and pain and suffering. and i want to hurt myself. horrible, awful things go through my head - not stuff like take sleeping pills or drive in front of a bus or get ahold of a gun - but bloody, painful, terrible things. like i not only deserve to die but to do it in the most painful, awful way possible. and it's crazy exhausting trying to fight it because i truly feel like there is no way to stop it. i have to go find people to be around because the one guarantee i have is that i will not do it unless i'm alone - so i just choose not to be alone - it's the only guarantee i have that i won't go into some weird flashback mode and do something before i realize i'm doing it... i don't want to do it - i just feel oddly compelled to - like it's impossible not to - it's just weird. and scary. very, very scary.

anyway. wow. i admitted that. i actually admitted that. and i'm going to post it too. wow. but first, i need to keep typing because it's these thoughts that i'm having about all this NOW that i need to process...

people have suggested to me that these periods of intense heaviness are spiritual - like a demonic thing - or physical - like a genetic thing (my father dealt with depression). i wondered for a while if i was going to just go insane and become like my dad. i am, after all, the same age at present that he was when he "snapped" and got really, really violent... but neither of these explanations feel right. like i haven't put my finger on it yet...

i recently joined an abuse survivors support group site - needing to talk to other people that have similar experiences and struggles and discovered some things that i had not expected. number one, my abuse was severe. this is weird for me. i grew up thinking that this was "normal" and i was just a whiner and a bad kid for being so miserable. but what i experienced was FAR from normal - even for survivors of abuse. when i tell pieces of my story, especially the recent pieces i've remembered - the reactions have been that this was tantamount to actual torture, and that this was one sadistic, sick man, my father. and because i was required to behave as though all of it was "normal," this is confusing to me. i see, in my head, his reactions, hear his words, his descriptions, his eerie calm and his terrifying smile and nothing makes sense. his explanations for what was happening are so contrary to what i am trying to understand now... i find i relate most to the people whose stories fall into the ritual abuse category and that my symptoms most closely match theirs rather than those who were abused less severely... this scares me. it scares me a lot. number two, the information that i read on RA (ritual abuse) tell me that those who perpetrate these awful deeds tend to use coercive persuasion/mind control to "program" their subjects to "self-destruct" if these memories come to light... i have no memory of such a thing but at the same time these periods of heaviness - oh so much heavier than the depression i deal with on a regular basis - these walls of hopeless utter despair that hit and the compulsions that come with them... it makes me afraid of what i do not know. what i do not want to know.

in the beginning of healing, i prayed that my memories would come to light. that i would have answers as to why i was the way i was so that i could heal and be free of this pain. but those memories that came back have done the opposite to date - they have made me feel so much more deeply the pain and the loss and the betrayal and the fear and all of the rest that comes with this... i am not only not freed by remembering, i am that much MORE hurting... i find myself wishing that i had never prayed that prayer for God to show me why i was like this. so i in no way am asking God to tell me more. i just wish i knew how to survive it. because whatever it is that is hitting me is stronger than i am... so much stronger... and i DO NOT want to lose the battle. I WANT to heal and live and grow and finally live in victory... i'm just so not sure how to get there...

i'm not entirely sure that the "programming" idea applies to me either. it also doesn't quite fit right. but it's the closest fit yet. because i DID make a connection this weekend thinking and praying over this problem and noticed that every single time that I've dealt with this terribly heavy whatever-this-is, it without fail follows one of two things: either a breakthrough of healing where i've come to remember or understand an abusive event or a time when i've shared a piece of one of those times with someone else. it ALWAYS follows one of those two things... i'm not trying for another label or more sympathy or anything like that. i'm just desperately trying to understand what is happening so that eventually it can be completely defeated and broken and i no longer have to live in fear that i will die at my own hand when no one is looking... i want to beat this. i want to live.

the Bible says that the truth will set us free. I believe God's word is true. and, when not under that blanket of heaviness, i also know that it applies across the board - without exception - to all of us - including me. Please, my prayer partners, please will you pray with me that God will help the truth about what to do about this to come to light so that I can be free? I'm finding myself now shrinking back from doing things to heal because I don't want to set off another episode. This is a stumbling block. This is not a positive thing. This is an obstacle that I need to overcome. Please pray that God will send the wisdom I need to figure this out - whatever that means.

Thank you.

PS - any other ideas you want to share would be great too - if God whispers something in your ears... you could reply here or email me personally... just in case...