HUGE PROGRESS!!!

Okay, this will get intense, but the memory ends in such a victory, and y'all have been so supportive lately, I just HAVE to share. I know, I know... I have a long way yet to go - but today I celebrate. :)


I have been struggling with a lot of guilt lately. Feeling like it was all my fault. I know that there was no way I could have fought my father off - he started when I was soooooooooooooooo little and it just got progressively worse - I was completely powerless - but yet I have felt major guilt pangs with each and every terrible flashback and they've been VERY bad lately... also, those I vent to have been getting upset with me because everytime I go through one of my episodes I've apologized like crazy without being able to stop and it drives them crazy when i do that - they keep reminding me it wasn't my fault but i just haven't been able to believe it... to the point that the majority of my anger has been at my childhood self rather than at my father... can't even look at my own face without boiling over with anger and pain... it's been bad.

well, i finally figured out what was the problem. in the recovering of my memories, i had another new one today...(here comes the intense part, if you can't handle details, i need to warn you to stop reading now.)


when my father abused me, most of the time he would tell me, "you're a bad little girl. a very, very, very bad girl. if you were a good girl, this wouldn't happen to you. you are a bad girl. this is what being bad feels like." And he would grab a very personal part of me that is incredibly sensitive and pinch and twist and cause enough pain to make me see stars and not be able to fight back. These memories have been very vivid and have come back in a major way... but today, today the memory continued beyond that point. Before, I would never get past that moment, just be overwhelmed with severe pain and go into a panic attack and such and find myself running full force away from it. Today, it continued to what happened next. He was grabbing and causing severe pain and he put his face in mine, and with clenched teeth, pinched harder to where i could barely breathe and said, "when you are bad, you have to say your sorry. say your sorry for being so bad." and he forced me to say it. i had no choice. i had no option. it hurt SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad, I had to. I had to say it. I had to say, "I'm sorry for being bad, Daddy. I'm so sorry." and keep apologizing until he thought it was enough or he wouldn't stop hurting me. Suddenly, I realized that he did that A LOT - I just hadn't been able to face that part until now.

I really can't say WHY that's so relieving, just yet. I just know that now I have a reason why I've felt so guilty for so long. Why I've felt like I was responsible. Why I feel the urge to apologize nonstop when I feel threatened or flash back, even if I've done nothing wrong.

And today, for the first time, I looked at a picture of me as a kid about that age and actually felt happy to see her. I saw her as sweet and good instead of evil and bad. Instead of wishing I could kill her, I actually wanted to hug her. This is HUGE!!!

I don't know if it will really make any difference to any of you... but it's HUMONGOUS for me - so I just had to share.

I've changed my avatar from the tears picture to the picture i saw today of me, so you all can see her too. I'm allowing her to come out of hiding, because I've finally realized it really IS NOT her fault.

And that is SUCH a relief.

Thanks for letting me share,
AngieSue