I told him, I did. Mentioned that in the last blog - the one I posted for everyone that reads this now - suddenly I have an audience - I'm getting self-concious about this thing now... (note to all y'all who read this: this is the one place I can vent - don't hate me for being candid, but I can't be polished for you - I need this little blog. I need to be me here. And I need to not care what you think and just be able to say whatever I need. Take what you want from it, but I don't write it for you - this is my space to think. Just needed to say that. Thank you for understanding....)
But I told him. And the world didn't end.
The question my counselor asked, and then my best friend asked, "Do you feel better now?"
Well, it's complicated. Yeah, I'm relieved not to feel like I have to pretend or hide at home anymore. And I'm glad he doesn't hate me. (Although, for the record - he's the sweetest, kindest, most wonderful guy you ever met so that really wasn't going to happen...) So yeah, I feel better about those things. Of course. Do I feel better from the pain? No. No, I don't. Admitting that everything I never wanted is what IS - it hurts. Accepting that the worst possible thing really did happen and that it can never be undone is HARD. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.
If my stomach didn't hurt so bad today, I'd be sobbing up a storm.
I sure hope my poor husband knew what he was in for. It's about to be the weekend and I'm a basketcase and he's going to be home for it and if I'm not hiding anymore... this means quite the surprise for him. But I'm glad I don't have to be alone when I cry. I hope he can handle it because I need those big arms and shoulders of his today.
I wish this would end. I really do. I wish this pain would stop. I wish I could just be a regular person. I wish life had a fast forward button and I could just skip all this pain and go straight to the healing everybody talks about. I wish it were over already. The road is long. And I'm tired. I'm so tired.
Guess that's all I have to say. I've got to go rest a bit. My belly is declaring war on my body. Gotta go see if I can get it to calm down.
1 comment:
"I can't be polished for you", made me smile. You got to be you. It's been too long. The battle has begun and you're doing good. Jesus will show you the way. You just keep trusting Him and I'll pray for more strength. You won't be left behind.
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