long week

ok so it's been a long week. we did vbs and bussed for it. so i've been up at six every morning - out early driving busses, running vacation bible school behind the scenes - playing mediator to fighting workers - and driving busses in the afternoon heat... followed by various evening activities. my daughter preached for the first time on Wednesday and will be singing in church on Sunday. we just completed our four week camp for autistic children. and i'm going to travel next week and the week after for various reasons. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo exhausted. also - i ended up self harming this week. which i feel VERY bad over. one of my readers will understand exactly why. the rest of you can assume it's because it's not a good practice to be in and i feel badly over it. needless to say, i do. still having marriage difficulties. i thought we had progress but when everything blew up again last night, it was pointed out to me that the reason i feel that way is because i've been sleeping pretty much alone all week. ooops. anyway, things are hard. o how i wish i knew how to handle all this stuff better. i guess that's all i have to say. just wanted to provide an update. g'nite.

calm in the storm

praise God - we have found some calm in the storm! my best friend in the f2f world came for a quick 2 day visit. we've been talking a lot lately about memories and flashbacks and safe places and she had an inspiration from God to create a safe place place in my home - an actual, physical area in my house that i can go specifically to ground and to recover that i find fun, inspiring, relaxing and peaceful. so - in two days we did a miracle makeover of my bedroom - the one room creating the most triggers and stress in the house - the room where peace was most needed. i believe she was inspired! because it is AMAZING the difference. we cleared out all of the laundry and boxes and bins and extra furniture and clutter and put in it's place a table with drawers, a basket, and my favorite comfy chair. we included (in the new hidden storage areas) my music, my journals, favorite pictures and inspiring writings, books, knicknacks that remind me of happy things, and what my friend calls fidgets - a bunch of things of various textures and shapes that help soothe me and my "inner children". oh what a tremendously huge difference it's made and the room has not even been finished for 12 hours yet! for the first time in a long time, i've had a whole day without flashbacks, a nap without nightmares, and a general feeling of peace and happy. what a terrific thing. especially in that room. hopefully this will help with many areas that have been affected by the stress produced by the triggers of that room. that's the plan anyway. so - just had to share that - even if it's short term - there is calm in my storm. praise God! :)

Rosie's flashback

sitting here in my house at three in the afternoon with my pajamas still on. i have company coming in tonight and i am not showered dressed grocery shopped laundered or cleaned... its all rosie. she's so afraid no one will come. its reminding her of sitting in the closet and waiting on her mom to come home and rescue her. her mother never came. it was always her father. stupid daddy. time for a bath. time to be washed. time to be abused. time to throw up. she didnt ddare scxream. but she had so so much to be afraid of. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad. why cant i stop remembering and get out of this stupid flashback?

marriage counseling?

desperately wanting to make my marriage better, i made an appointment for marriage counseling for today. husband had me cancel it. am disappointed and frustrated with this as it means that, again, progress will be slow. he seems to think we dont need it but i know we do. to be blunt, things are bad in the bedroomm. also, finances are tight, making alternatives for therapy even more elusive. but.... (praise God for but's) it DID end up in a long into the night conversation where i felt we were both able to be much more honest and open then we have been before and finally put away the swords enough to hear each other. again, we are kinda figuring this out on our own if there's no counselor, so the progress will be slow but at the moment any progress is good. i wish he had someone to talk to who has successfullly supported someone thru a journey like mine but again... some things seem to be just too much to ask... just pleasse, those who pray, please pray. we needd progress here and idk how much i can stand of the inch by inch method. thanks.

i'm alive!

inspired by a friends blog post of a recent victory in her life, i just wanted to post myself also. i am thankful to have made it through last week and not have done something stupid. i am grateful for my life and for the progress i've made in healing thus far. it may not be the glorious victory she posted about quite yet, but for the first time in a long time - i am truly grateful for my life and that in itself is a good thing. i know you all know this, but i wanted to say something else... just to test the waters. i am a survivor of horrific childhood abuse. and i am ok. what a concept. :)

it's ok

only have a moment to write as i am currently evacuated from my home due to tropical storm debby - just wanted to post - God provided (as He always does) the break i needed from the pain. i have a safety plan in action and am doing much better. so so greatful for therapy and therapy friends who care enough to help me through the worst of things. ttys, angie sue

grrrrrrrr

i hate my dad and his people. they hurt me so so bad. it's driving me crazy!!!! i hate them ----- i hate them ----------- i hate them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! more new memories - just cant take much more of this... aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!