angry letter

i was going to write a letter to my mother with all the anger i am feeling at her at the moment but so many feelings are contradictory and i dont think i'm ready. to those that are reading, yeah, i'm struggling again, but it's that time of year and the month of nine is around the corner. i will survive. i will beat this. but at the same time, i am struggling.

Look Out!!!

ok so i am feeling the strongest and most empowered i have ever felt. i believe i am ready to speak. here goes... the rapes began when i was 2. at first it was digital and objects. it was full on by the time i hit kindergarten. by first grade he was sharing me with friends. this went on until seventh grade. there was psychological, emotional, physical, sexual and every other kind of torture that exist to my knowledge. i've called it molestation, rape, abuse, SRA... trafficking, even. but i never understood really what was happening until now. it was all about power, sexual climax, pain, sadism and profit. it was never about me. never was i allowed to exist. it all stops now. i have finally come to the point where i feel empowered and strong and human and well and good and powerful myself. i choose to spend the rest of my life helping others recover from such histories. i am ready to speak. to go back to school. to learn. to grow. to be an adult. i want to find my niche in fighting human trafficking. as far as i am concerned, i'll save as many as i can. like the starfish story. i am human hear me roar - look out world - i'm ready!

Declaration of Independance

I declare this day my independance from all the stupid people who hurt me. My name is AngieSue. I am a survivor of a horrific past. I am a person with a tremendous future. Including the ability to help others in need. Look out, world, here I come!!!

update

doing well. feeling good. things are peaceful at the moment. am busy enjoying the break. will post more if i get some time but just wanted my faithful followers to know that the quiet this time is for good things happening, not for bad. :)

long week

ok so it's been a long week. we did vbs and bussed for it. so i've been up at six every morning - out early driving busses, running vacation bible school behind the scenes - playing mediator to fighting workers - and driving busses in the afternoon heat... followed by various evening activities. my daughter preached for the first time on Wednesday and will be singing in church on Sunday. we just completed our four week camp for autistic children. and i'm going to travel next week and the week after for various reasons. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo exhausted. also - i ended up self harming this week. which i feel VERY bad over. one of my readers will understand exactly why. the rest of you can assume it's because it's not a good practice to be in and i feel badly over it. needless to say, i do. still having marriage difficulties. i thought we had progress but when everything blew up again last night, it was pointed out to me that the reason i feel that way is because i've been sleeping pretty much alone all week. ooops. anyway, things are hard. o how i wish i knew how to handle all this stuff better. i guess that's all i have to say. just wanted to provide an update. g'nite.

calm in the storm

praise God - we have found some calm in the storm! my best friend in the f2f world came for a quick 2 day visit. we've been talking a lot lately about memories and flashbacks and safe places and she had an inspiration from God to create a safe place place in my home - an actual, physical area in my house that i can go specifically to ground and to recover that i find fun, inspiring, relaxing and peaceful. so - in two days we did a miracle makeover of my bedroom - the one room creating the most triggers and stress in the house - the room where peace was most needed. i believe she was inspired! because it is AMAZING the difference. we cleared out all of the laundry and boxes and bins and extra furniture and clutter and put in it's place a table with drawers, a basket, and my favorite comfy chair. we included (in the new hidden storage areas) my music, my journals, favorite pictures and inspiring writings, books, knicknacks that remind me of happy things, and what my friend calls fidgets - a bunch of things of various textures and shapes that help soothe me and my "inner children". oh what a tremendously huge difference it's made and the room has not even been finished for 12 hours yet! for the first time in a long time, i've had a whole day without flashbacks, a nap without nightmares, and a general feeling of peace and happy. what a terrific thing. especially in that room. hopefully this will help with many areas that have been affected by the stress produced by the triggers of that room. that's the plan anyway. so - just had to share that - even if it's short term - there is calm in my storm. praise God! :)

Rosie's flashback

sitting here in my house at three in the afternoon with my pajamas still on. i have company coming in tonight and i am not showered dressed grocery shopped laundered or cleaned... its all rosie. she's so afraid no one will come. its reminding her of sitting in the closet and waiting on her mom to come home and rescue her. her mother never came. it was always her father. stupid daddy. time for a bath. time to be washed. time to be abused. time to throw up. she didnt ddare scxream. but she had so so much to be afraid of. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad. why cant i stop remembering and get out of this stupid flashback?