I wrote this on a Sunday night in the hospital a year and a half ago or so - still affecting me. Have more to share after this but this'll give y'all an idea for now about how tangible God has been through all this...
Today I was given the gift of a Sabbath from my pain - literally - both kinds. It was a very good day - no hurt from my heart and my belly was in control too. I've been here now 3 days. As I lay in the bed praying and thanking God for the day and the much needed break, the bed began to feel like it was a rocking cradle and I imagined God stroking my hair and kissing my forehead and smiling saying, "I knew you needed the rest." He followed that with, "Are you ready to get back to work tomorrow? Will you trust me no matter WHAT it holds?"
I may have answered that differently before, but having the rest and this encounter - it boosted my faith. "Yes, Lord. I will." Still hesitant, knowing the pain of pain and not wanting to go back, but willing, knowing I have His arms to carry me through. For the first time, I was able to see "Father" in the light He meant for it to be seen in. Beheld it. Loved it. I wept a little, still asking the "why" questions, but ultimately I knew I could trust Him and the yes came quickly.
It occurred to me that the answer to my "where were you" question was hidden in this physical thing. When I came into the ER crying and moaning and dizzy with pain, the staff surrounded me in a whirlwind activity (like they do on TV) and before I knew what was happening, they had me changed into a gown, lying in a bed, with blood drawn, an IV started, oxygen flowing and monitors hooked up. I barely knew what was happening because the pain had me so focused on ME. But the team was there, taking care of my every need. In the midst of all my heart trauma, all I can see is also me - because the pain narrows my vision - but God is always there. Like the trauma team in the ER, working outside my line of focus but working diligently nonetheless for my ultimate benefit. Did I enjoy the tests and procedures they did to try to bring relief? Of course not. But the purpose was larger than the moment. Do I enjoy still having this physical pain and being stuck in the hospital? Of course not. But seeing even a glimpse of an answer for my heart long term is worth it.
Right now, in the long term, I just can't see how God was there when my father was treating me the way he did. But I have to believe and trust in my God who sees the bigger picture and is working for my benefit despite the pain of the moment. Not sure really how that fits into all of everything. After all, I was just a kid and I still can't see how any kid deserves what I got. But here's the thing - without God, I have no answer or stability or hope. Regardless of how things appear, or how dizzying the pain is, I have to trust that my God knows more than I do and is working everything out for my good, you know?
I have to see Him rocking me and stroking my hair and smiling, kissing me, "I knew you needed the rest." He knows my need, and even now is working to heal not just my belly, but also my heart, so we can move on to higher adventures together and I can go from patient to nurse and encourage others on THEIR journeys to healing and let them know that God can rock them too. Rock on, God... Rock on...
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