ok so here's what's happening

so the tsunami is over... for now. i managed to forgive little luv for being who she is and dealing with what she did in the way that she did. it occurs to me i had to do this with Rosie also, not too long ago. i'm wondering if there's a pattern here. ie - let me count the ways i hate myself and one at a time learn to forgive me for being the stupid whatever that i am and someday i'll like myself? idk.

anyway, i went to therapy on monday and talked to my t about all this. she said that all parts need a voice even the ones who dont have pleasant things to say and that i should let them talk. at first i was very afraid of that - who knows what they might say or do? - but she assured me that therapy is the place to work those things out so i, for the first time, let my guard down enough for her to meet them. and meet them, she did! they came out hollering and yelling and crying and throwing fits. they came out in all sorts of ways - and luv came out too. she came out curled up in a ball, trying not to suck her thumb and bawling and crying and very insecure and afraid. she was last and it took a long time till i was able to come back and take over. and when i did i was hyperventilating too and not being able to deal with all that happened.

we talked a long long time - had time to go over a lot - that extra half hour meant so much and we used it well. by the time it was over i'd done everything from flailing and stomping to curling up tiny and tight. i was physically, emotionally and spiritually worn out. but better.

a whole lot more peaceful and such anyway. and not a silent head but certainly one with much much less noise.

since then it's been up and down. the tsunami of flooding of emotions may have passed but the waves are still very large and the wind is still moving fast.

i was in crisis mode last night and talked to everyone who would lend an ear but Darin. i still dont think he gets it. anyway all that ended about midnight or so and i was just beginning to collapse into the pillows when my cell rang and it was Robin - one of the people i'd talked to earlier. she had taken the only audible phrase i could remember recurring and googled it.

some black magick group that works with masons and does awful things. she kept reiterating that this was real and not imaginary. i'd have reacted more awfully afraid but i was on my sleeping meds and so it was all i could do to stay awake to listen. it's really hitting home now (13 hours later).

it was real. it was ALL real. and there are others who have this awful past too. THEN i get confirmation from a different friend that she knows someone who was abused by this same group and they even have same specific symptoms and sounds in their heads.

omg. i feel so unsafe now.