i am so awful

ok so peace is over. it lasted three wonderful weeks - 23 beautiful days.

my t said i was "stable" (NOT!), so we started the "telling" phase of therapy last week (that's step 2 of 3, impressive)... ok so i told the tiniest piece. told how his face keeps coming up in mine. told how he used to be at bathtime. told how he'd scrub me raw inside and out with a bottle brush - at three years old - and make me beg him to forgive me for being bad. And how i wasnt allowed to cry and how i had to deal with the inspections and stuff... just that. that's it.

of course it would have to be in the midst of still moving, less than a week following my car wreck that totaled the car and sent my son and i to the ER... in the midst of flashbacks and nightmares and such. so.... neeedless to say it's been awful since then. back to panic attack world. chest pains and all.

the emotions have been super strong and the flashbacks and nightmares and panic attacks relentless. got to the point where i could barely get out of bed again and i felt like i was back to square one. not good.

t said to use my binder and try ALL the coping skills till i found something that worked. so i decided on writing. not sure if that was a good idea, it DID help me come to a solution but i KNOW the solution is probably one of the least healthy things i can do...

i stared at the picture i have of luv for a long long time. and i gave her the pen and let her use it to express her feelings (i wrote what she said). again, very strong feelings - that of a three yr old that understands nothing - and flashbacks and another panic attack.

so i let my other parts speak next. and what they said made so much sense. basically it boiled down to that luv was spoiled rotten and didnt have to go thru nearly anything in the horrible list of stuff we've been thru. she also got to sleep EVERY NIGHT and play carefree EVERY DAY. the only time she ever had to deal with any of the pain was at bathtime and then it was so minor in comparison to the rest. she was so spoiled. she had it so good.

so i decided to abandon her again. to mark her pain up to spoiled brat tantrum overreacting and excommunicate her from us.

and you know what? it surprised me but the minute i decided that and did it, i was filled with such a peace and calm. i hadnt' cut or anything else unhealthy, and suddenly the pain was gone anyway.

so here i am in the numb of it all, enjoying the break and the peace and sleeping even. i know i made a terrible decision and i'm told i'll pay for it threefold. but wow. why should i feel bad - the argument makes so much sense. i know it's all over when i go back to t on Monday but in the mean time no more luv. and it feels so good.

how awful does that make me?