wow

so - been a ridiculously hard week. here's what's new... had a failure in the si (self injury) department on monday. took a lot out on me and pretty badly - enough to not be able to hide. made seeing the dr on thursday even more scary as she was previously unaware of the si and was very afraid of the consequences for that even beyond the fear of the ordeal of the point of the double appointment as well. was a blubbering mess. shaking and crying and such so badly that she just did the procedure necessary quickly to help me get past it and calm down. was so upset that it inadvertently served as a distraction and she never even noticed the cuts, scabs scrapes, scars and bloody places or if she did she didnt say anything. in the discussion of meds (which she had no trouble adjusting - the need was obvious), she had to ask the obligatory questions, which include if i am having thoughts of harming myself. i managed to be brave and tell her about the si. certainly not in any detail that might get me locked away, but at least i was able to say so now i dont have to hide it from her and i can have more accountability and help to overcome this. truly, that is the goal. anyway. have followup appointments to check both on the medications and the cysts. so will be looked after, but for now am just way way glad that's done.

yesterday was therapy. and yes, am a glutton for punishment. went there too. as i told y'all, last week i confronted my counselor about a need for a new direction. she responded so well. i showed up with my homework (a list of things i felt needed to be covered) and she kept her end of the deal and immediately got to the point when i came in, letting me take the lead yet still helping me deal with what i had to say in a somewhat saner manner. somehow overcoming the dr thing thursday made me feel more empowered and i got a boost of courage and followed thru on what i needed to say. that is - finally beginning to reveal the darkest parts of my story. told her things i've never told another soul... certainly by no means have it all on the table, but got a lot more out there then i thought i could ever accomplish, and did it in such a short amount of time. just opened my mouth and suddenly so much came pouring out of me...

am kind of in a state of shock now. her response was very different then i anticipated. good, but still different. first off, she didnt call me a liar, run screaming from the room or call the men in the white coats to lock me away. irrational, i know, as its her job NOT to do those things, but it's a phobia i have, so it was a huge relief to see not happen. more importantly tho, she listened. she asked relevant questions. she validated my feelings and experiences. and where i had bits and pieces that made no sense at all, she helped me come to understand how such terrible things could come to be. the one thing i was not prepared for tho, was the label she attached to it all, and that she had suspected that what happened to me might fit such a label before i ever opened my mouth. i hesitate to say it, because it hurts my heart so unbearably to admit... but the point is to face and heal so, i guess it's finally time to say it...

i am a survivor of sadistic ritual abuse.

and it hurts. dear Jesus, it hurts. but i am determined not to let them win. so much so that, in order to avoid punishing myself for telling, i had friends stay with me when i was home alone last night and way tempted to do something stupid. and i gave them my blade so i cant use it again. and i've promised myself i am not going to go out and aquire another. its time for the cycle to end. i am getting help. it hurts like crazy - but it hurts even when i hide - so i might as well make progress.

alright. so that's what i wanted to say. going back to bed now. i am wiped out.