what a difference

been a while since i posted. been battling hard. wont' lie - the suicidal and self harming urges kind of kicked my butt for a while. was sinking down and sinking fast. friday a week ago, i finally got the courage to tell my therapist how bad it was getting. but she didnt understand, i dont think, because i didnt get the help i needed from her. i left her office very frustrated and went straight to the store to buy me another blade (i had given the first one away to a friend because i didnt feel safe from myself after i told so much in therapy the week before). anyway, intent was to use it to express the extreme levels of emotions i had going on because i was just flat out overwhelmed. did NOT use it tho. :-)

battled HARD HARD HARD all weekend. talked to friends. prayed. slept. anything i could think of to keep safe. managed, but still was hurting super super bad. was like being sucked down into quicksand. the harder i tried to get free, the worse it got. by tuesday it was so bad i found myself formulating a plan to end it all. just couldnt see or think straight i hurt so badly. so i finally told my husband and a couple of close friends. ended up going into the psych hospital on suicide watch. this was a HUGE step for me because i was deathly afraid of those places. kinda seems silly typing it, but it was real and terrifying to me. was believing what my abusers said - if i ever told i'd get locked away in a hospital where awful things happen and where bad people have all the control. to me, going to the psych hospital was equivalent to walking back into the abuse.

but, praise God, it wasnt true. they took good care of me there. i told them how afraid i was. i told them how desperately i needed help. God gave me the courage to tell them straight up how much i hurt and what all i was going through. turns out that what was happening wasn't what i thought. turns out that i had a bad mix of medicines and that THAT was what was causing so much of the problems i was dealing with. so they took me off the one med that was causing so much of this and put me on a different one that still had the effect i needed but also worked to combat the spiral i was dealing with.

feel so much myself again. have slept through the night three nights in a row now. the world is no longer spinning out of control in my heart or screaming so loudly in my ears. i can breathe again. and best of all, i feel more myself then i have in ages. have only had a few of flashbacks since i started it on Wednesday (before, i was having them up to 3 or 4 in an hour). have had zero nightmares and also no panic attacks. is incredible the difference.

the best part? i am me again. i can think clearly. i can feel the good things again. i can be myself and not be crushed by all of the pain so much. yeah, i still have a lot to deal with, and i will continue to push on. but its just so so good to not feel like its all taking over anymore. watched a movie with my kids and didnt' black out once. am typing this post and havent lost concentration or needed to break down and cry... just amazing the difference. AND... turns out people don't hate or judge me for feeling so badly. those who know are so so supportive.

so - have faced a huge phobia due to the lies i was told, and won. have gotten the help i needed so much. have put husband on the same page as far as what am going thru. and have found my old self again. even praying is easier. hope abounds.

so praise God! He is so so faithful!

just wanted to update everyone. love to you all and thank you so much for your prayers.