soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired.
tired of the nightmares. tired of the flashbacks. tired of fighting battles. tired of having to pretend to be "fine" for the world in general - but even more so for my church. just tired of all of it.
doctors appointment to get meds adjusted thursday but have to deal with an ordeal in order to afford it. feels like everything in the world i do has to be hard.
tired of people seeing me as one big bummer pity party person. i know i'm no fun to be with - heck, i don't want to be with me! - but PLEASE WORLD! i am SO not living this nightmare ON PURPOSE!
there IS one piece of good news. finally got to desperation point, and with the help of a very good friend, managed to tell my therapist what she needed to know to get us both on the same page. so we are starting a new direction in counseling on friday. i know its going to be really hard still, but at least we'll be on the same page and working in a way that meets my needs better.
anyway, guess i just wanted to whine a bit about feeling so isolated at church and so frustrated with the whole "gotta pretend to be fine" game i feel so forced into. bad enough to battle the constant flashback memories and horrific nightmares and exhaustion and depression, but to have to look "fine" when i feel this way? it is just more than i can tolerate right now. :(
2 comments:
:( sad for you... Love ya, praying.
There is an end to this that is better than anything you can dream. Hang on to that hope. Jesus is still fixing you. You don't want a job that is only half done right? So put on one more smile because very soon you'll be past all this.
Praying for Friday's session. Being on the same page is better for you. Now you can work together beating this thing! Love you and trusting God for your Breakthrough!
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