Sunday, November 8, 2009

the sad

i lack the word to describe the emotion in my heart
"tell how you feel, in one word" cant be done tonight

the sad is descending again.
like a heavy lead blanket
weighing me down
making it hard to move or think

how can my daddy hate me like he did
why could i not earn his love
what makes an infant deserve to be banished
or a child worth betraying

why do people not understand
"shake it off," they say,
"change your thoughts"
"busy your hands"

...nothing works
still the sad is pressing
pushing
weighing
crushing my heart
making even breathing difficult

sad is such a puny word
seems so small and simple
this is so much more than that
but i lack the word to say

and so i sit
alone
hiding
wishing for a 3D friend
someone - just one
that would really understand
and listen
and know
and hold me while i cry
while i try to release just a few of these tears
that erupt from my soul every time i turn around
that betray me when i say "i'm fine"
to those who insist i pretend

even if i had that friend, though
with arms that hold me tight
i dont know that even that
could change it
or make it go away

it's just become a part of me
a terrible part i cant name
and don't want
and yet its there
so i just call it
the sad
:(

2 comments:

DaNella Auten said...

Praying.

Aaron said...

Hey lady I just wanted to say He is still there when you fall. It don't matter how many times you failed or how many promises you've broken. He still loves you and has His arms open wide to have you fall into them.
Despite how you feel or what it appears to look like, you are still making progress. I still see you making brave steps forward. Instead of pulling inward and isolating yourself from everybody, you're opening up. Sometimes for the very first time and that is very difficult. To me this cutting thing looks like an addiction. Just like anything else that can be an addiction. Once you let it get a hold of you it's difficult to let it go. I don't know if this is your approach to this but it could be a new way to fight it.
Still praying for you. Keep on keeping on. You will make it to the other side of this :-)