triggering - just have to get it out...

i became married to my dad - at 8 years old. not here is the "wedding" picture. i couldnt bear to post it. it's of him, and the shadow people and bloody me in the stupid white satin/lace dress being held up off the ground by my arm... this is the new memory. it's driving me crazy. i hate this. i hate september.

Triggering!

stupid new memory.

stupid dress. white. satin. lace. wedding.

mother made it for me. was she also involved?

somebody help me!

Breathing

ok so i am breathing. this is good. had another new memory surface this week, plus am facing that it's September... but other than that, i'm doing ok. have now had three nights (yes 3!) without nightmares and even a regular dream... i literally cannot remember the last time this happened. i must be doing okay.

UGH!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I HATE THIS - I HATE HIM - I... UGH!

he BETRAYED me so so bad... my father. i never ever even had a CHANCE. he started all this when i was like TWO and and and.... and it wont stinking end... i was too small to have a chance. and my mom wouldnt listen. and i didnt have words. and i was all alone. NO CHANCE AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

then i was like six and he sold me out to be bound and gang-raped nightly. six stinking years old. thats KINDERGARTEN!!!!!

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO STINKING ABLE TO HANDLE THAT AS A KINDERGARTENER??!!

my own father - the man i looked most up to in all the world - the one i only had eyes for - the one who should have been wrapped around my little finger - my DADDY - SOLD ME OUT to be used abused tortured and potentially be killed at SIX YEARS OLD!!!!!

WTF am i supposed to do with THAT?!

i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!

crying, weeping, sobbing, groaning and gnashing my teeth.....

HOW DO I ESCAPE THIS?!?!?!?!?!?

doing better

still struggling big time with the anger.

doing better tho on the home front. only three flashbacks today. that's a plus.

a lot going on in my head. still feeling way switchy and triggery.

worried about a friend in the hospital but she's doing a little better now too so that's a sigh of relief. i would so much like to see her pain back off.

guess that's all i have to say today.

dear mom

dear mom how dare you have a relationship with me when you never supported me. how dare you seek MY support now?! i am struggling like crazy and wondering who's fault all this is - having trouble not taking blame - and do you speak on my behalf? not a word. not one. do you care that he hurt me? do you care that i hurt? do you even notice? i am angry with you as much as i am angry with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was 3, maybe even 2, and you abandoned me to him - you refused to question as i got older you even made more abuse possible by being absent and by assuring me i'd have plenty of time with my father how dare you call yourself a mother? i wish i could hate you! without love, your broken daughter

Going Mad...

the mad is taking over my brain. head spinning and screaming. i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

more coming soon.....