Breathing

ok so i am breathing. this is good. had another new memory surface this week, plus am facing that it's September... but other than that, i'm doing ok. have now had three nights (yes 3!) without nightmares and even a regular dream... i literally cannot remember the last time this happened. i must be doing okay.

UGH!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I HATE THIS - I HATE HIM - I... UGH!

he BETRAYED me so so bad... my father. i never ever even had a CHANCE. he started all this when i was like TWO and and and.... and it wont stinking end... i was too small to have a chance. and my mom wouldnt listen. and i didnt have words. and i was all alone. NO CHANCE AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

then i was like six and he sold me out to be bound and gang-raped nightly. six stinking years old. thats KINDERGARTEN!!!!!

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO STINKING ABLE TO HANDLE THAT AS A KINDERGARTENER??!!

my own father - the man i looked most up to in all the world - the one i only had eyes for - the one who should have been wrapped around my little finger - my DADDY - SOLD ME OUT to be used abused tortured and potentially be killed at SIX YEARS OLD!!!!!

WTF am i supposed to do with THAT?!

i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!

crying, weeping, sobbing, groaning and gnashing my teeth.....

HOW DO I ESCAPE THIS?!?!?!?!?!?

doing better

still struggling big time with the anger.

doing better tho on the home front. only three flashbacks today. that's a plus.

a lot going on in my head. still feeling way switchy and triggery.

worried about a friend in the hospital but she's doing a little better now too so that's a sigh of relief. i would so much like to see her pain back off.

guess that's all i have to say today.

dear mom

dear mom how dare you have a relationship with me when you never supported me. how dare you seek MY support now?! i am struggling like crazy and wondering who's fault all this is - having trouble not taking blame - and do you speak on my behalf? not a word. not one. do you care that he hurt me? do you care that i hurt? do you even notice? i am angry with you as much as i am angry with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was 3, maybe even 2, and you abandoned me to him - you refused to question as i got older you even made more abuse possible by being absent and by assuring me i'd have plenty of time with my father how dare you call yourself a mother? i wish i could hate you! without love, your broken daughter

Going Mad...

the mad is taking over my brain. head spinning and screaming. i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

more coming soon.....

Rosie is Dead

Rosie is dead.
they killed her.
she lays limp on the table
beaten, bloodied, raw
her life sucked out of her
to breathe no more.

this was her destiny
they decided it for her
and now she is gone.

DO NOT GRIEVE HER LOSS
blink your tears away
for it is morning
and though she is listless and pale
she has school to face.

they brought her back
in the middle of the night
put her into her own bed
to regain consciousness
doomed to face another day
another night
another dance with death

Why does no one see her pain?!
she lives her personal hell every night
writhing under their ever present hands
praying for death
but it never comes
she looses consciousness only to awaken again
in her own bed
alive.

WHY?! why… why… why….
Angie lives yet again
but Rosie is dead.

08/07/11 - AngieSue

devastated

drowning in tears. cant stop crying. been that way since the last post - weeks now.

the full weight of the sra is crushing me.

somebody care, please?