trying again

Dear mom, I don’t get it. I have no clue how a person can disown her own child. Her firstborn. How in the world could you ignore my pleas for help? Why did you not pay attention?! I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you Loving you is so so so so hard i am crying. you are not worth my tears and yet this pain still wracks my heart. i dont have words for the obscenities i'd like to shout. i dream about taking out all of my anger and frustrations on you. about bludgeoning you - pummelling you with my fists - pounding until blood spurts, bones break and more importantly, your heart begins to be affected by these levels of pain... why could you never see how much this pain bludgeoned ME? i was 2 - TWO!!! - only two years old and yet you turned deaf ears. i used the only words i had - i told you what was happening to the best of my ability... IT WAS YOUR JOB TO LISTEN AND HEAR! YOU DIDNT DO YOUR JOB. Now you want to move away. to make our visits more difficult. i know my heart should be breaking at our distancing but even when i share the same town as you, i avoid you. i NEED the distance. you dont even know the levels of pain and despair that you contributed to. i hate you. i HATE you. I HATE YOU... I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need to hate you. i dont hate you. i love you. and i hate you for that. that i cannot even have the freedom to scream the words that i wish would break your heart. you broke mine. i just have no concept how you could have abandoned me that way. i need you to know that.