beginning in the month of 9 (yes, the dreaded 9), i will be under the counsel of a new t. my old t (that's "therapist" to those of you not in the know) is being promoted. which means i'm being demoted. i can no longer see her - she'll only be seeing people who can pay t fees... (i see her under a victim services grant that allows me to see her without having to pay). however the grant is only for the t in this position and no other. so i'll be seeing her replacement.
that sounds simple enough - months warning, the chance to meet her before it's permanent, continuing under the grant, etc... except that it's not. soooooo not... yes, will continue under the grant, praise God, since i cannot afford t rates... and all those other things are also true. but (and yes, my but is a biggie) i have NOT had good luck with t's. finding K, my current t, has been hard enough. i went thru three other unqualified t's before her and each one scared me in their own unique ways... but TRUSTING someone ELSE with the painful and embarrassing details of my story... that's a ginormously huge task. one that i'm not sure i or J (the replacement t) are up to. she's just a beginner with no experience. and i'm just barely stable and in the middle of trauma work with no end in sight. AND i'm the only ritual abuse client that K has ever treated so the experience base is low to start with. closest we've come to qualified is that K is highly schooled in dissociation and DID and therefore can take severe abuse cases and deal with them. J has only expressed interest in these areas - no schooling AND no experience. How will she know how to guide me thru if she's not gone that way at least in theory?!
and if all that is not enough - she will be officially gone RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MONTH OF 9!!!!! my total WORST point of the year - it couldnt be worse unless she left on the 18th.
needless to say, i'm terrified. i WILL be giving it my all and i've already met J and started talking with K about the transition, i just feel so inadequate and so so scared.
guess i just needed to say that "out loud".
2 comments:
Hi Ang,
Just letting you know I'm here with you and thinking of you. You know I've shared some similar struggles in finding the right T. I've been so happy for you having K. I can't imagine how scary this must be for you. I hope that K is able to help J help you, and that it works out in the best way possible. Regardless, please know I'm always here.
Praying, God is bigger than 9...
Btw, u are the only SRA (survivor of ritual abuse) I've ever met, and I seam to do pretty good with you. I have to assume for her to be in that position, she had an interest in the field (psychologh in general), and and has some instinct. We will pray.
Love ya.
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