Alright, this is more a journal entry than a blog... just need to think things through and I think better typing than writing so here I am...
Belly's still bothering me. If the hospital was right and it's caused by the IBS (aka stress related...), then it's totally explained today. The weekend was aweful. Ambushed and sabotaged with memories and flashbacks. And having quite the week. Still fighting the stuff from the weekend. Not sleeping without drugs and rapidly running out of them. Dreading my step-father's birthday on Sunday - the last event with him didn't go well - I don't know if I can keep up this time... And my last remaining grandfather announced he has cancer - this is my father's father so communication is stressful anyway but finding this out "through the grapevine" was just too much...
Worked today. First thing I get there the lady who cleans the office who's like an adopted grandmother for me grabbed a hold to me and told me she wanted to share something with me. She said that I should look at my situation like this: I have issues in this world, but spiritually, I have God's DNA, so my problems really are only temporary. Not quite sure what to make of that. I understand her point, but it's weird... don't know what to think. People keep asking about how I'm feeling. I'm getting tired of answering because I don't know what to say anymore. I still hurt. I'm still sad. I have no answers. I feel guilty for continuing to suffer and also for continuing to voice it. They just want happy news, not the frustrating 'yes, it's still here' stuff. I'm wondering if I need to quit complaining just to make them happy. And then they all insist I need to go back to the dr for a second opinion. I don't think I could handle another doctor charging hundreds of dollars just to tell me it's all my fault... And so the people keep pushing - they've never heard of stress causing this kind of pain. But then again, they have no clue what kind of stress I'm really facing here. And I sooooooooo don't want to try to explain it to them. How could they understand? Several of them cornered me today. I couldn't tell them - I couldn't. I hated that. I don't know what to do. They just don't get it. I'm so stinking alone in this...
So here I sit, feeling guilty for the pain, feeling bad for not knowing what to answer these people, feeling bad for feeling bad... and thinking about the whole situation. Maybe the whole reason I never can seem to get past this is because I just can't seem to live with the fact that it happened. And making peace with it and trying to live with it isn't working either. Maybe the reason I'm not healed yet is because I'm too dumb to figure out how to let it go... so then I have more to feel guilty over - even being depressed and overwhelmed is all my fault. My OCD is so out of control. I can't stop myself from going around in these circles. I know if I could sleep it would help. But I'm not going to sleep like this... I'm stuck in the loop here and can't get out. Trying to figure it out. But it makes no sense. And I'm starting to really wonder if there even is an answer to be found. And the longer I sit here and type, the more I realize I'm still just going around in circles...
Why even post this entry? I guess so my friends know I'm not still in victory land from the last post and maybe pray for God to intervene. I'm back on the roller coaster. And this low is one of the lowest I've had yet. So ready to come back up for air...
Will I EVER get off this thing?
2 comments:
yes.
D
Hey lady, just wanted to encourage you a little :-) A have gone through some depression myself so I know how you feel! I'll start by saying you will get off this thing!!! I think your adoptive granny was just saying God has won your battle already. As long as you don't give up you'll win.
I felt guilty, alone, and had no answers too. Our situations were different but depression works the same way. This makes no sense but God is fixing you when you have no answers. You have a lot of feelings you're dealing with and it gets to be overwhelming. As long as you hang on to God He'll see you through. I was on that roller coaster. It will eventually come to a stop and stuff will make sense again. It will. God is bigger than your past. God is bigger than your present. People don't need to know your whole story. A lot will not understand. But there are a few that will hang in there for the long haul. They know some things don't fix themselves in a couple days. They realize sometimes God lets you feel alone even from Him. You just need reminded that God is fixing your heart. But such deep pain needs deep cleansing and that takes time.
You're not alone. God will never forsake you.
I know you were just writing to think but you need assurance that there is an end to this and that the feelings you have are normal for the state you are in and the stress you're going through.
I will definitely be praying for you all weekend. Hang in there!
Matthew 10:29-31 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
You are worth...more than what you think.
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