Headed up

Getting another breath of hope today. Got the courage to share a little of my story with a friend from college who's been helping to pray me through. He didn't freak out or hate me. And he hasn't lost hope that this is overcomeable, even after knowing a little more about how bad it's gotten. So far not one person I've told has behaved how I expected. Maybe this IS going to be okay... maybe I'm not as much of a freak as I feel like... maybe.

He suggested I take up kickboxing as an outlet for all this emotion and also to help me feel more safe with a little bit of self defense stuff under my belt... Considering looking into that.

But for tonight, I'm exhausted. It's been quite a ride this week. As long as I have a break to breathe, I'm going to get some rest! Got a lot to think about - several people have offered thought provoking comments in the last couple of days so I believe I'll take the evening to think and then hopefully actually sleep tonight... wouldn't that be nice!

Alright, signing off. Thank you all for the prayers - don't stop!

Thinking out loud...

Alright, this is more a journal entry than a blog... just need to think things through and I think better typing than writing so here I am...

Belly's still bothering me. If the hospital was right and it's caused by the IBS (aka stress related...), then it's totally explained today. The weekend was aweful. Ambushed and sabotaged with memories and flashbacks. And having quite the week. Still fighting the stuff from the weekend. Not sleeping without drugs and rapidly running out of them. Dreading my step-father's birthday on Sunday - the last event with him didn't go well - I don't know if I can keep up this time... And my last remaining grandfather announced he has cancer - this is my father's father so communication is stressful anyway but finding this out "through the grapevine" was just too much...

Worked today. First thing I get there the lady who cleans the office who's like an adopted grandmother for me grabbed a hold to me and told me she wanted to share something with me. She said that I should look at my situation like this: I have issues in this world, but spiritually, I have God's DNA, so my problems really are only temporary. Not quite sure what to make of that. I understand her point, but it's weird... don't know what to think. People keep asking about how I'm feeling. I'm getting tired of answering because I don't know what to say anymore. I still hurt. I'm still sad. I have no answers. I feel guilty for continuing to suffer and also for continuing to voice it. They just want happy news, not the frustrating 'yes, it's still here' stuff. I'm wondering if I need to quit complaining just to make them happy. And then they all insist I need to go back to the dr for a second opinion. I don't think I could handle another doctor charging hundreds of dollars just to tell me it's all my fault... And so the people keep pushing - they've never heard of stress causing this kind of pain. But then again, they have no clue what kind of stress I'm really facing here. And I sooooooooo don't want to try to explain it to them. How could they understand? Several of them cornered me today. I couldn't tell them - I couldn't. I hated that. I don't know what to do. They just don't get it. I'm so stinking alone in this...

So here I sit, feeling guilty for the pain, feeling bad for not knowing what to answer these people, feeling bad for feeling bad... and thinking about the whole situation. Maybe the whole reason I never can seem to get past this is because I just can't seem to live with the fact that it happened. And making peace with it and trying to live with it isn't working either. Maybe the reason I'm not healed yet is because I'm too dumb to figure out how to let it go... so then I have more to feel guilty over - even being depressed and overwhelmed is all my fault. My OCD is so out of control. I can't stop myself from going around in these circles. I know if I could sleep it would help. But I'm not going to sleep like this... I'm stuck in the loop here and can't get out. Trying to figure it out. But it makes no sense. And I'm starting to really wonder if there even is an answer to be found. And the longer I sit here and type, the more I realize I'm still just going around in circles...

Why even post this entry? I guess so my friends know I'm not still in victory land from the last post and maybe pray for God to intervene. I'm back on the roller coaster. And this low is one of the lowest I've had yet. So ready to come back up for air...

Will I EVER get off this thing?

Breathing again

Alright, just to let y'all know, I'm breathing again. It was a very bad weekend, and I anticipate with the stressful schedule I have ahead of me that it'll be quite a ride the next two weeks, but breathing is good and I'll take every break I can get.

Before the craziness ensues, I just had to share with y'all the other thing God did for me at the hospital. I'm trying really, really hard to focus on the positive right now and this was a major paradigm shift for me into the positive. I don't know that I can do the situation justice with words, but bear with me while I try.

The last procedure I went through at the hospital was a colonoscopy. Yes, it's as scary as it sounds. The procedure itself wasn't so much because of the anesthesia but the anticipation was aweful and the prep for it was killer.

It was the night before, the pharmacy was late bringing up the stuff I was supposed to drink in order to "clean me out." Because of the belly pain, I was already not keeping things down. Because of the unknowns, I was already stressed and emotional. Enter nurse with gallon jug of stuff that tastes like seawater and feels like ipecac syrup. My job: to drink, and keep down, an entire gallon of this stuff while pooping my guts out - in less than three hours. Challenge: do it without pain meds because it's already very late and they make you sleepy and you can't fall asleep until all of this stuff is swallowed. Fast forward through the nasty parts FIVE HOURS later - spewing everything every which way and having pain that I swear I'm going to die from and no one will care. I swear they'd outlaw this stuff at Guantanemo Bay... So I'm sitting there, shaking, empty beyond empty, alone, exhausted and feeling so humiliated and violated - and the same empty, violated feeling hits me hard from the night of the rape - and it occurs to me that all of this suffering is because of him - because of the choices he made to treat me that way. The IBS that they blame the abdominal pain on that is stress induced. The flashbacks. The nightmares. The physical ramifications. The emotional fallout. The abuse. The rape. All of it. I finally saw things as HIS fault instead of my own.

From the outside, it's like, "Duh!" but for me, this was huge. The guilt that lifted in that moment was larger than there are words to express. Of course, I spent the next hour or so hysterically crying, scaring the nurses, waking my best friend so she could help me pull myself back together... I never slept that night, but it was worth it.

Even not having any answers on the physical pain, just being released from feeling responsible for all of it is worth what I endured that night. It's huge.

I've decided to post a picture of "little Angie" for y'all. This is is how old I was when it started. This is the child I've hated for 30 years. The one who did nothing wrong to deserve the hell she got. The one God needs to heal. We're on our way for that now - letting her go is huge.

When's it gonna end?

I know, I know, I should be posting more about my hospital breakthroughs, just stuck in a really bad cycle - especially today.

Being ambushed by the bad memories. New stuff popping up - details that I never wanted to hear. stuff I'd rather not remember.

I'm so overwhelmed. exhausted. wishing it would finally end. I don't know how much more of this I can handle...

God, please? Mercy! Uncle! Please?! Make it stop! Please oh please oh please - how much do I have to take before it can be over? Please, I need another Sabbath - I've gotta get some rest or I really will go crazy...Help me!

Sad

Okay, posted the last post and was just overwhelmed with sadness the rest of the day - grieving over what could have been. A friend emailed me this song and it's so appropriate - wanted to share - here's a link:

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=282a2b640018409a87a8

From Feb 1st in the hospital...

Didn't have access to the blog from the hospital but wanted to share a some of my journal thoughts from then because God met me so tangibly while I was there, and it's worth sharing. This was written Sunday night very late. I have more to share but I want to let the thoughts percolate a bit first. In the mean time, may this bless y'all the way God blessed me...

Today I was given the gift of a Sabbath from my pain - literally - both kinds. It was a very good day - no hurt in my heart and my belly was in control too. I've been here 3 days now. As I lay in the bed praying and thanking God for the day and the much needed break, the bed felt like it became a rocking cradle and I imagined God stroking my hair and kissing my forehead and smiling, saying, "I knew you needed the rest." He followed that with, "Are you ready to get back to work tomorrow? Will you trust Me no matter WHAT it holds?"

I may have answered that differently before, but having the rest, and having this encounter, boosted my faith. "Yes, Lord. I will." Still hesitant, knowing the pain of pain and not wanting to go back, but willing, knowing I have His arms to carry me through. For the first time, I was able to see "Father" in the light He meant for it to be seen in. Beheld it. Loved it. I wept a little, still asking the "why" questions, but ultimately I knew I could trust Him and the yes came quickly.

It occurred to me that the answer to my "where were you" question was hidden in this physical thing. When I came into the ER on Friday crying and moaning and dizzy with pain, the staff surrounded me in a whirlwind (like they do on TV) and before I knew what was happening, they had me changed into a gown, lying in a bed with blood drawn, an IV started, Oxygen flowing and monitors hooked up. I barely knew what was happening during any of that because the pain had me focused on ME. But the team was there, taking care of my every need. In the midst of my heart trauma, it's the same - all I can see is me because the pain narrows my vision - but God is always there, like the trauma team in the ER, working outside my line of focus but working diligently nonetheless for my ultimate benefit. Did I enjoy the tests and procedures to get to relief? Of course not. But the purpose was larger than the moment. Do I enjoy still having the physical pain and being stuck in the hospital? Of course not. But seeing even a glimpse of an answer for my heart healing in the long term is worth it.

Right now, in the long term, I just can't see how God was there when my father was treating me the way he did. How He could let it happen and not step in and rescue me from that. But I have to believe and trust in my God who sees the bigger picture and is working for my benefit despite the pain of the moment. Not sure really how that fits into all of everything. After all, I was just a kid and I still can't see how any kid deserves what I got. But here's the thing - without God I have no answer or stability or hope. Regardless of how things appear or how dizzying the pain is, I have to trust that my God knows more than I do and is working everything out for my good, you know?

I have to see Him rocking me and stroking my hair and smiling, kissing me, "I knew you needed the rest." He knows my need, and even now is working to heal not just my belly, but also my heart, so we can move on to higher adventures together and I can go from patient to nurse and encourage others on THEIR journeys to healing and let them know that God can rock them too. Rock away, God... Rock away...

Love,
Ang

Note to my friends

Appreciate everyone's prayers. Am home from the hospital now. Still moving slow. Have things to share but not a lot of energy to share them so please be patient. Regardless of the frustration in my physical issues, God has been moving strongly on my heart. I'll probably put in a couple of posts to share it all as I have energy, but please do know that God is working. Don't stop praying - the results are so wonderful - but it's not over yet!

Thank y'all - from the bottom of my heart - it means the world to me!