recurring flashbacks - warning: NASTY!

these are my latest repetetive flsshbacks. kinda graphic and painful. dont' read if you arent ok cause it tells just a little of what they did...

the first time this happened, i was 5. it kept up for at least 6 more years. much more awful things happened as well, but this is what is hurting me most right now. what i see, hear, smell, taste and feel whenever i am flashing back this week… i hate it! but its real.

it starts with little me, lying in bed, sound asleep. suddenly my dad is there. i am being taken from my bed and before i can realize what is happening he covers my face roughly with a very smelly rag. i try to fight, afraid, but i begin to pass out instead, feeling like i cant breathe. as the world spins and morphs, i am vaguely aware of being carried out my window…then the world disappears.

i wake up tied by my limbs to the wooden table they’ve built for me in the woods. i must have been bad again because they are punishing me, my dad and his friends. they are cussing and spitting and what feels like a million hands roughly hold me still while someone rams the insides of my private area down below with a long, hard, blunt rod. like a battering ram, they just keep pounding and pounding without mercy. it hurts like hell. i cannot struggle. i must not scream. i know i shouldn’t cry but tears pour out anyway. i am apologizing for whatever i’ve done whenever they stop long enough for me to get a breath. they continue to cuss and slam my insides. i beg for it to stop. please please i’m sorry – im so so so sorry… but it continues for what feels like forever. …eventually i pass out again…god, it hurts…

next thing i know i am back in my own bed, alone in the dark, terrified. the pain is tremendous. i weep silently because i know if i am caught crying, i will pay dearly. curling in a ball and hiding under my covers, i flood my teddybear with silent tears, wishing i knew how to be good. needing to pee but unable to get up and go, between the pain and the fear of being caught… i hold it until morning and try to sleep…