just thinkin'...

ok so i'm thinking of changing things up. i am at a point in my healing where i feel like i can turn a corner and start to put all of this pain into perspective and use my experiences for good. i want to write a book. i want to go to college. i want to study social work and become an advocate for abused kids - especially ones who have been severely abused and/or trafficked. like i did. what do you think? it's six one way half dozen the other on opinions of my friends whether i can handle a career of that nature. i really really really want to do something with my life that makes a difference - i want to help people who have been hurt and give them hope and tools for healing - but i also want to advocate for prevention. i am not a public speaker or a politically savvy person - my best work is one on one i think, and also thru the power of the written word. another thought is to do a trial run as a guardian ad litem to see how i could handle advocating before i go and invest in a college degree in that... but i dont know what kind of a caseload commitment or long term commitment that entails. or if i'm actually ready to handle such triggering stuff right away... does anyone out there have ideas for me? thanks, AngieSue

parents... ugh - help?

my parents came to visit on saturday. made a big deal about how they barely slept the night before and got up super early to come. they took the kids to a beach 2 hours away because it's known for shells and shark teeth. and made a huge deal about the trip and stuff. but we live like 10 minutes from the beach - they didnt HAVE to do that. and again - a huge show about buying them things and giving them money. and a big deal about moving to the mountains and making a cool place for the kids to come visit.... it's so all about them... but these are the same people who turned their backs on my abuse. my mother, when it was happening and my stepfather when i finally told and reached out for help. they refused to believe me. to protect me. to offer even a hug or a tear for what i went through. a care at all. i am at a place where i can no longer trust them. finally the anger is coming through and i dont need them in my face playing "hero" when they were the villians. i am trying to walk in forgiveness and i know that God says i need to honor my parents... but here's the deal. i dont believe honor equals stupidity or that forgiveness equals allowing it to happen to my children. i've been confronted and it's suggested i need to cut ties... or at least to establish healthy boundaries. guess i just need some input and support. help?

trying again

Dear mom, I don’t get it. I have no clue how a person can disown her own child. Her firstborn. How in the world could you ignore my pleas for help? Why did you not pay attention?! I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you Loving you is so so so so hard i am crying. you are not worth my tears and yet this pain still wracks my heart. i dont have words for the obscenities i'd like to shout. i dream about taking out all of my anger and frustrations on you. about bludgeoning you - pummelling you with my fists - pounding until blood spurts, bones break and more importantly, your heart begins to be affected by these levels of pain... why could you never see how much this pain bludgeoned ME? i was 2 - TWO!!! - only two years old and yet you turned deaf ears. i used the only words i had - i told you what was happening to the best of my ability... IT WAS YOUR JOB TO LISTEN AND HEAR! YOU DIDNT DO YOUR JOB. Now you want to move away. to make our visits more difficult. i know my heart should be breaking at our distancing but even when i share the same town as you, i avoid you. i NEED the distance. you dont even know the levels of pain and despair that you contributed to. i hate you. i HATE you. I HATE YOU... I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need to hate you. i dont hate you. i love you. and i hate you for that. that i cannot even have the freedom to scream the words that i wish would break your heart. you broke mine. i just have no concept how you could have abandoned me that way. i need you to know that.

angry letter

i was going to write a letter to my mother with all the anger i am feeling at her at the moment but so many feelings are contradictory and i dont think i'm ready. to those that are reading, yeah, i'm struggling again, but it's that time of year and the month of nine is around the corner. i will survive. i will beat this. but at the same time, i am struggling.

Look Out!!!

ok so i am feeling the strongest and most empowered i have ever felt. i believe i am ready to speak. here goes... the rapes began when i was 2. at first it was digital and objects. it was full on by the time i hit kindergarten. by first grade he was sharing me with friends. this went on until seventh grade. there was psychological, emotional, physical, sexual and every other kind of torture that exist to my knowledge. i've called it molestation, rape, abuse, SRA... trafficking, even. but i never understood really what was happening until now. it was all about power, sexual climax, pain, sadism and profit. it was never about me. never was i allowed to exist. it all stops now. i have finally come to the point where i feel empowered and strong and human and well and good and powerful myself. i choose to spend the rest of my life helping others recover from such histories. i am ready to speak. to go back to school. to learn. to grow. to be an adult. i want to find my niche in fighting human trafficking. as far as i am concerned, i'll save as many as i can. like the starfish story. i am human hear me roar - look out world - i'm ready!

Declaration of Independance

I declare this day my independance from all the stupid people who hurt me. My name is AngieSue. I am a survivor of a horrific past. I am a person with a tremendous future. Including the ability to help others in need. Look out, world, here I come!!!

update

doing well. feeling good. things are peaceful at the moment. am busy enjoying the break. will post more if i get some time but just wanted my faithful followers to know that the quiet this time is for good things happening, not for bad. :)