Big Changes

first - i need to retract that last post - it is NOT impossible for someone to make things stop... God could, and DID.

AND He helped me to forgive little Luv

AND i now have such a peace - it's beautiful.

in addition to all that, there's MORE good news...

we have a job. Florida.

Praise God!

(huge sighs of much relief)

I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my littlest little part - her name is luv. she's 3.

i cannot get over my anger for her for not telling well enough to stop him. i feel like, because she couldnt get my mother to hear her (she did try but not hard enough), all of the abuse was her fault. yes, her fault. clearly.

i wish she would disappear and die. i want to kill her by shredding my arms. i want to kill her by jumping in front of a bus. i need her to leave, even if it means dying. (No, people, this is not a serious threat - i cant' do that to my children.) i am just so freaking mad at her it's interfering with my ability to function.

everything hurts that much more. i just cant handle all this emotion.

i wish someone would hear me and make all this stop. but that's impossible.

so i sit and cry and cry and cry... i'm so so exhausted. i wish it all would stop.

:'(