i hate this stupid day

dear dad i hate u. u don't even deserve to be called a dad. you ruined my life. you ruined so much. i hate u. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

changes

amazing how fast things change. I told on Monday last week - it's been one week. in that time I have been sick, switchy, overwhelmed, lost time, not functioning, numb, functional and now happy. if this were an ad for bipolar i'd believe it was true. too many parts making too many changes. I like what a friend told me today tho - that things are like the waves on the beach with incoming tide. forward and backward but progress nonetheless. she says I have been making huge leaps forward lately and I should expect backward motion a little as I process. I like that. I sure hope she's right.

update - triggers - use caution

it's been a long time since I posted. i'm guessing that's a good thing as I usually post when things are difficult and therefore things must be getting better since I've not had the urge to post since March and it's May now. but oh i'm having a hard time today. INE is remembering the hardest memory of all - the last rape. we talked about it at therapy this last week. so much going on in my head. so much. INE feels responsible. but she was drugged and that was likely why she did what she did. she also feels like a failure for not dying when she was meant to die during that particular assault. he flat out told her that pretty much. add to that that she was "out" while I was trying to talk to a friend and I "came to" in time to see the friend had left thinking we were mad at them - because they were also having a hard time and INE is only a child and very self centered and didn't drop her own stuff for that friend the way I would have. now I have no way of explaining that to my friend because this whole DID thing is so crazy it just sounds like an insane excuse. ugh gracie

career plan

ok so i had a nightmare a while back about my sweet husband going home to be with Jesus and leaving me devastated, alone and without a plan. that has weighed heavily on my heart ever since. months now. not that i want or forsee any change in his condition - i am blessed with a healthy, wonderful husband who loves me and isnt going anywhere anytime soon to our knowledge, but... as life is often unpredictable, i choose to take this as a warning. it got me thinking, in addition to the recent changes in my own sanity's state, that i believe i am ready for a career. ready to finish school. ready to go on and do something with my life that is my OWN contribution to the world. i already help my dear husband to the best of my ability but the ministry is HIS baby. i love and believe in him and all that we do together, but if he were to pass along, i know that i know that i know i could not continue it in his absence. which leads me to the question... what to do with my life? well, having survived what i have, i believe it's time to go back to school. time to get a degree and time to get to work using my survival and compassion skills to help others. using my past to make a better future for other kids. so it's decided, i will look into shadowing someone in several different specialties of social work and etc. and decide with their help what is the best way to go and go back to school in the fall. i'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh well

so i realized today that it's been three wonderful weeks of good. just about anyway. but the good was facade i think - the aha moments still apply. and that's wonderful. but somehow, some way while i was rejoicing over that, denial snuck back in and that's why the good has been facade like - artificial - wrong. see - i'm still tied to my past. it never went away, it just went into hiding. sorry. back to bummerville.

aha moments :)

therapy went sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much more smoothly today and i've had a series of aha moments. here's what made it from my head to my heart today: 1 - I am NOT crazy !!!!!!!!! this is amazing as i've struggled with this since i was 15 2 - if #1 is true, then i can do anything with God including going back to school, getting a degree and helping others 3 - again, because #1 is true, it's ok for people to be my friends. i am not evil or bad or broken or burned or damaged or any of that. i am acceptable in God's sight the same as the rest of the christians. Jesus died for me too. 4 - if all three of these are true, then i need not fear any sudden lightning strikes or cancer scares or anything else - God is not planning retribution on me. wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow

back to therapy

so so much to think about. went back to therapy. her answers to my pleas and questions amazed me. she said i've done the work. that i've been thru the worst. that there is nothing more to fear because i've faced everything. i'm still considering her words and her thoughts. she said that, in answer to the plea for how am i ever going to live with this - that i already AM living with it. that i already AM getting better and that the improvements WILL continue. that there is no need to fear further issues because the worst is behind us. wow. wouldn't that be incredible? what a concept. then. as if that was not enough, when i talked about sharing and how it scared me, she said lets play devil's advocate. what scares me most? not being believed? already faced that. being rejected? faced that too. issues with my husband, my brother, my mother? all of those have come up as well. and i've dealt with each one, bit by bit. what an amazing thing to consider...